I'd choose 4,5 & 9

That is by far the shittiest version of the "which pill/superpower/xyz ?" that I've seen.

"No more fat", "Have many followers" and fucking "Increase 5cm height" nearly gave me an aneurysm. This meme is a good pick for the community.

Yeah what does even "no more fat" means? You can't eat fat any more? Or all the fat is removed from you (which would kill you)?
Also, get me a -5cm height for my 198cm, that would be perfect.
- It means that all your hard drives would be converted to NTFS from FAT32
- 203cm clocking in, and I completely agree with you
I think "many followers" means being famous?
And the "increase 5cm" has a strategic new line. I thought for about 0.3 seconds that a rude had snuck in.
- No, many followers really means that. It also implies that you'll need a much larger bathroom.
Hey now... I'd totally take the extra 5cm. Maybe 15cm.
- I would, too. It's just.... At least write something like "increase own height by 5cm".

If you choose 6, your life will be like that of Sam the Slug.

I thought it'd be more like in general. Like you're happy with your overall life situation, even if you still get sad occasionally.
- monkey’s paw curls

I think 5 and 9.

i don't really want the rest.

Agreed, those are my only two choices as well.
I feel like the first two are basically the same thing and are also asking for a monkey's paw sort of scenario to happen.
I don't want to stop shopping because there are things I want that can't be obtained for free.
I'm not the tallest, but I don't feel any particular need to be any taller.
I don't want my emotions regulated to always be happy, because then you basically never truly are.
Followers are overrated and creepy.
And I'd never want to forget an ex because I'd end up losing a lot of good memories in the process.
5 only says you gain strength, controlling it may be a difficult task
5 could monkey’s paw kill you like most of the rest of these. I think 4, 8, and 9 are your best bet if you have to pick 3 and you want to survive in a non-terrifying way.

1 & 2 are the same pill, unless 2 also stops you from putting on muscle mass which would be a real negative. In the same vein, "no more fat" taken too literally will just kill you, as humans need at least 4-5% body fat to live.

If you read them kindly "dont gain weight from eating" means you will burn fat just day to day, eventually hitting equilibrium. "No more fat" means you won't gain fat, so you can just eat excessively and youre at equilibrium. Neither affects you at a calorie deficit, and both do the same thing at a calorie surplus.

Super strong likely means mass and/or density, which means more calories needed to maintain. Unless it's some magic. Either way, that and money means you can eat until you're happy. The only two pills I'd want out of those given.
1 and 2 are definitely not the same
I prefer being the monkey paw in these scenarios. Way more fun and you can be creative.
The way 2. is written is basically a death sentence.
What they presumably meant is "never exceed your ideal weight no matter how much you eat"

feels like a trap, once you burn through all your fat you'll be impossibly unhealthy
is a trap too, if you stop gaining weight from eating then you might trap yourself in the same situation as above
unless you hunt for food, bad idea
decent option, but it doesn't mention if there's any pain during the growth period
good option, as long as you have control over your strength
very bad option, sounds nice but you will go insane
doesn't say if online or IRL, having many followers IRL is not desirable
dangerous, erasing any meaningful memories is dangerous
the only good option with no consequences i can think of. i'll take 3 of those

Bro sat here and broke down each option 😭 love it
Mostly agree, easily can reduce it down to 4,5 modulo fine print. I don't agree with the last if a lot of money means billions and if you want to keep it all for yourself. Wanting to own billions is a mental disease imo.
- oh nah lol, i'd just keep a decent amount of money to live comfortably + bit extra for the occasional adhd "new hobby" shopping spree. if "a lot" means billions, the majority of it i'd most likely donate to charities or give away to friends and random people, i have no desire to hoard wealth
- In somewhat of the spirit of the IRL followers. Getting millions of coins dumped on your head is also not preferable.
  Related: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saj7b5C6TCM
Except how do people generally get money from taking pills? Hint: it's not often because they are happy with the results.
- i don't think a pill can give you more followers either (not without first setting up a cult and/or a drug enterprise)

Number six when something bad happens:

1 is the monkey's paw answer and a trap. Fat is necessary for survival. Fats literally make up the outside of every cell in your body.

2 is still dangerous, because it might just be tapeworm eggs.

Is 3 just a servant who shops for you? Or is it just that you are no longer addicted to compulsive shopping?

4 Will cause you the most agonizing pain of your life as virtually every bone and muscle gets ripped apart and re-knit, and as someone who's 6'4, it has its upsides, but having literally everything made for people shorter than you REALLY sucks, from doorways and light fixtures, even to rollercoasters which nearly remove your legs because of awful design (or just won't close over your shoulders)

5 is nice. Go with 5. It'll be painful, but potentially worth it in a pinch, as long as it also grants you control of that strength.

6 is another trap, since small amounts of stress are actually really important, and in order to be constantly happy, your brain would lose the ability to feel it unless it continually increased the dopamine drip. Eventually, you would kill for the ability to stop.

7 I mean, sure, if that's what you want. Would be nice to know what kind of followers? Are they going to be religious and try to pull a Life of Brian on you?

8 is the worst, because you have no control over the extent of the memory wipe. This is existentially terrifying

9 is the safest, but then you go and read that post about why winning the lottery means you're fucked.

The surefire safest calls are probably 9, 7, and 3, since they wouldn't actually affect your body, unless you're the kind of person who likes playing roulette with the sort of pills you get for free on the street.

Umm well i didn't need the 1 and 2 and 3 so i was about to take 7 9 5 but after seeing that i am scared to even choices anything
2 would eventually kill you, just more slowly than 1. Unless you never forget to eat and are always able to.
- How. Two is just don’t gain weight. It doesn’t say anything about losing weight or about healthy nutrition. For those of us with a tendency to gain, this is all positive.
  My most pressing health concern under my control is my weight. As an adult already overweight, I would be very happy to at least never weigh more than I do now

That calls for a monkey's paw

There's literally no more fat in your body. Your cells burst, you die immediately.
You're not able to gain weight, but you still lose it. Every time you sweat, breathe out, go to the restroom - you lose weight. In a matter of month or two, you die from exhaustion.
Now you can't buy groceries and really anything you want or need and are forever reliant on others to provide you with anything you didn't yourself produce.
The height increase is achieved by all your organs instantly extending, causing internal injuries and disabilities and now many physical stresses can kill you.
You're so strong you cannot adequately measure it, and have to be very careful not to break everything around you.
You're always happy. You're never able to grieve, or reflect, or do anything. You've lost any reason to progress, or even really sustain yourself. You die in bliss on the streets.
Followers are invading all of your personal life. They doxx you, follow you everywhere, try to document every moment of your existence. You cannot have peace and solitude ever again.
You forgot your ex. You also forgot every good moment in your life you ever had together, and are left wondering what is that void in your brain. You will never know what happened. But someone, somewhere out there who is your ex will.
Inflation came strong, and now everyone has millions upon millions of dollars. Too bad they're only worth a few rolls of toilet paper.

Oh definitely 1 then
This is what I thought too when I read them, the last one (money) was the only one I didn't see any problems with. It made me think about the post about picking a superpower and the first comment was your side effect for using it but this was the other way around, pick your side effect haha
There are people who cannot grow or simply don't have any fat cells. It's a surprisingly debilitating condition, but you don't immediately die from it.
- Fats are a normal component of any cell membrane, and if we're talking no fats whatsoever, there would be no membrane to speak of.
  It's not just about the storage cells.

I am underweight so 2 would probably kill me. 4 would make my gender dysphoria worse. 7 would be a nightmare since i have social anxiety

Why is there no estrogen pill?

I think because they want us to suffer. especially the underweight people because it have two pills
Because those are real and you can take them for real ❤️

5,6,9 easy.

Some are void if you are always happy.

2, 6, 9

Skinny, happy, and rich - perfect combo!

Revenge of the MonkeyPaw:

1 you are allergic to eating fat and can no longer eat any fat whatsoever.

2 your body has lost its ability to process nutrients, making you starve to death.

3 you’re banned from every store on earth.

4 only your neck gets 5cm longer.

5 but only in your dreams.

6 you can not feel anything but happiness - no pain, anger, sadness, nothing but joy.

7 and you’re awaiting your trial as you’re a KKK NeoNazi kult leader.

8 you get Alzheimer’s disease.

9 but you cannot access it because the government froze your account due to being investigated in a money laundering scheme.

Ah yes my favourite trend of monkey paw: removing the fking benefit instead of giving side effects, while making things worse
- Oh, right! The monkey paw does it to someone else most of the time, like "you get the money but someone else dies and the money is compensation or inheritance"

2, 5, 9.

Stop shopping??? Dafuq

No more shopping for groceries, you have to forage in the woods from here on out

999

5, 6, 9. I would take 5 as "emotional/mentally"

My issue with 6 is that it feels like a monkey paw. There are times we shouldn't be happy, like tragedies happening to others, deaths ,etc. While being overall happy in life sounds great, always happy sounds like a cognitive issue.
- You could do that with any of them. Super strong? Crushes friends when trying to hug them, etc.
- To me it it gives a cliché lobotomy vibe

I think some of these need clarification 😅

4, 5, 9

9 thrice

2, 6, 9. Health, happiness, comfortable life.

Only 9, the rest are useless/bad for me. 1 and 2 are nearly the same, and not a thing i have a problem with. 3 idk what the benifit of it should be. 4 i am tall enough. 5 would be nice sometimes, but at other times it would only cause you to break things. 6 it would be bad to not be able to cry in bad situations, as these are also part of life. 7 i don't need publicity 8 i don't have an ex 9 you can do a lot with money in this world

Only need 6.

Ah, the simple bare necessities!
- Yep. No need for anything else really.

2 and 9, keep the change

Food brings me joy and money brings me food, need nothing else in life.
Why not throw in 5 for ease of life. Washer died, can carry it to the curb with ease and not have to ever bother someone else. I realize you can just hire people but I feel like super strength is ultimately just a lazy perk, and damn I'm lazy. Back hurts from playing with your kids, psh, they way about the same as a penny, wouldnt even need to think about it.

As long as i can stop smiling at funerals. I'm not unhappy but more is better.

Then 4. 5. Or 9. Are my options.

I'll probably take 9. I have enough money today but I've been disciplined with my spending my entire life. It's just something that I can stop thinking about.

Or 5. Would just be vanity, but if I'm happy I don't really see the problem. Maybe 2. So I don't have to think about that either.

1,2,9.

5, 7 and 9 so I can start a revolution. I've made my peace with the fact that most people follow, live and die for people, not ideals and values (only the leaders do, and when they don't it all collapses), might as well play my role with my new superpowers, lol.

5, 6, 9. Come on now.

All you need is 6, the rest are just things you hope will make you happy.

Everyone's going to pick 9, right?

You are now a proud citizen of Zimbabwe, you own trillions of useless bills.
- Still better than none

5,6,9 only ones that really make a big difference in the grand scheme of things.

Being super strong would mean you’d likely end up doing a lot of physical activity for yourself and others, but it would also mean that your resting metabolism is significantly higher than baseline which handily takes care of the fat/weight problem.

Being taller would be fine I guess but, and I say this as a woman in the bottom 25% in height, it wouldn’t actually make any substantial difference in life, beyond being able to touch the floor in a standard chair.

Having a lot of money takes care of shopping without stopping it, As well as the followers thing (rich people are often famous, and if not they can dump some money into something to make them famous if they want) and I feel being happy over-rides forgetting your ex, cuz you wouldn’t feel bad about it.

With 5, 7 and 9 I could start a cult.

No more fat? Like, for me or for the entire world? Because that’s terrifying either way. I’d die within minutes in either case.

2, 5, 9

if i chose six, i wouldnt need any of the others.

2, 5, 9

I would be so happy.

Hit me with the 159, chef.

5,6,9. Already have 1,2

After 9 the 6 is bundled in for free

2, 6, 9

9,9,6 with lots of money causes sadness

I need a buzzfeed quiz to determine this

2, 5, and 9 for me

1 already covers 2, and I have enough of 6. Happy all the time would probably turn me into an even lazier person. A little concern now and then keeps me engaged with the world.

1, 5, 9. Health, strength, $$$$$.

1 kills you because you need some fat to live

#4 three times. The rest seem fleeting (money) or attainable through hard work (strength). Unlike others in these comments, I think being happy constantly would be its own type of hell.

But being tall is like being attractive. It is life on easy mode. As a slightly-less-than-average-height person an extra 6 inches would probably be the most permanent, positive impact any of these would have.

The only one I could use would be 5.

If I had to pick 4, 5, 9 and donate the money.

5,6

After 9 you can just buy all the others or the process described

3, 6, 9

Damn you fine
You’re really that much of a shopaholic?
- No, I thought it meant I would never have to go shopping again and answered based on that.

None please

is just MDMA

5/9/7

Get followers and then ask each one for $1 and tell them to do it monthly to support the greater good.

5 and 9 pretty op compared to others so most people will choose that. From the others i guess and extra 5cm never hurts so im going with the same as op.

69!

5,6,9

6 has unintended consequences. Always happy? At a funeral for a loved one? No thanks, I want to feel their passing properly.

I’d be fine with just 2. Possibly not good for the heart, pancreas, or liver though.

2-5-9 are the only ones that make sense. Unless you're like, currently obese.

Stop shopping? How will that benefit you, does that mean you're locked out of getting new stuff forever? I don't care if I'm 5cm taller, 6 seems like some kind of fucked up curse because it could limit your emotional spectrum.

Fame can kind of suck, and I don't have any ex lovers...

Super strong. Always happy. A lot of money.

1.8.9.

1, 4, 5

1, 5, 9

I'll take the 6th, 3 times, intravenous

Holy shit you weren't supposed to take all 9!

Noy choosing 5 and 6 is plain stupid. While always being happy probably means some social issues, these can be mitigated by learning to fake sadness. And super strength is obviously super useful.

I'm assuming this isn't a genie moment where super strength means you destroy everything because you don't control it or whatever.

4, 5, 9.

4 because while the process might be painful, aside from the process it's not an extreme change. And because I needed to pick 3 and only 3 options.

5 because that super strength would certainly come in handy if it's controllable. It would suck if everything gets absolutely crushed by accident the moment you attempt to interact with it.

9 because why the hell not. You can't be happy all the time, and the rest of the options seem to be a net negative. So at least being able to live comfortably or account for #5 would be okay

5-6-9

1 would kill you pretty quickly. You physically need to be able to store fat from food, plus it sounds like it might just delete all the fat you have, which would kill you immediately.
- It's also water store. You dehydrate very quickly without constantly drinking Gatorade. It'd have to be Gatorade or an equivalent for your body to absorb it fast enough. Or a saline IV.
  Hard to find now, but I've seen pictures of what people look like at extremely low (<4%) body fat. Every little detail in the muscle pops right out. It doesn't look attractive or healthy in any way.

2,5 & 9. Plus money always makes me happy so I get 6 for free.

@kingpepe8006 6, 9

Isn’t 8 that Jim Carrey movie?

Mfw when I watched it with my ex lmao
- The last movie me and my ex watched together was Synecdoche, NY which basically gave him permission to toss me out like an old newspaper, since he read the message of that film as “other people are interchangeable background characters in your life.”

6, 8, 9 easy call

297

Well, 6 is just learning disability and 9 is a missing moral compass.

Depression is a learning disability?
- Happiness is. Edit: Just accept being sad is fine or fix this shitty society.

2, 6 and 9.

9 would go towards building affordable housing in my area, which would make 6 happen.

2 just 'cause.

#2 is straight up torture. No matter how much you eat, you cannot stop losing weight. Your body no longer retains nutrients as it passes right through you
- Depends on if the descriptions are jackass genie rules or not. If it's being genuine, it means you won't gain any excess weight beyond what's healthy. 1 and 3 seem like descriptions ripe for abuse as well.
  1: Thinner!
  3: You can no longer get things you need because you are unable to shop.
- It says you can't gain weight. I'm already overweight, and about max for what I can be to keep my job (military) and not totally break down. So if "can't gain weight" means this is my max weight and no matter what I do I can't go past it, that makes a comfortable hard stop for future efforts toward dieting.