Oh god

My husband? Normal day.

Well looks like u got the best option
My wife is on my left, it's going to be interesting

I only have a table to my left... Well this is gonna hurt.
- My couch is the only object on my left
Put The Cat down shane dawson
I'm assuming that that's the "before" photo
The "after" would be the same, but with matted fur

I just walked past a parked car as I read that—it's been nice knowing you all

A couch. Is this like one of JD Vance's fantasies? To be fucked by a couch?

No you've got it mixed up, he's a-pitchin'.
Same. Even with a LOT of lube I think this is going to sting

Oh no.

Is that south park episode again, now i need to rewatch it tonight
- This is my chinchilla. Her name is Muffin and she wants to rip the baseboards out from the wall so she can eat them
- 🎶 Lemmiwinks 🎶

Toilet paper? All according to plan

- I guess he's trying to deep clean the pipes

A 30cm offset serrated bread knife? At least the base is vaguely flared.

Well, safety first

What a horrible day to be working around mig welding machines.

Aw man, indeed!
I'm in the bathroom on the 8th floor of a hospital building, so I figure it's at least some of the wall? Hourly not the whole building though

I'm not putting my cat up my butt, you fucking weirdo.

You don't do everything a picture on the internet tells you to?

looks at radiator dubiously

Well.. it's a door. At least my ass will be closed for business after that.

A wall?!

My fiance is 5' tall. I'm going to literally explode.

Don't look up "anal vore"
Depends on how you shove him tho.........as long as your fiance is a man
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Objectifying your fiance is cheating in this game.

It's a car. RIP

Poor cat

OK, there's actually a banana to my left, but I already did that today

I now own a Browntooth speaker.

My poor Blåhaj…

A entire bedroom wall

This is rather convenient, as the object to my left is a roll of toilet paper

Of all guitars, why did I choose a ten-string one

chuckles nervously in double neck

It's pointing at my finger, so an easy one.

Now start diddling your diddle Diddlydee

I'm lying on my right side in bed so I guess the ceiling?

Same, except mine has a fan on it. 🪦
Same, but lying on my left side, so the mattress?

Well shit, I guess I have to re-enact 1 man 1 jar...

Oh lawd not again
Nonono... just do us a favour and don't film it. I've been scarred enough for a lifetime.
- You think you're scarred? You should see my bu- you know what, I'm not making this joke.

Hairbrush. It'd fit fine, but it's got rubberized paint that's coming off the handle. :/

ER has seen worst

A towel. Idk how im gonna make this work. Maybe if soaked with enough lube or oil 🤔

- Eww thats even worse
I reckon you could manage a towel with a bit of lube and some sort of stick to help it on its way.
I believe in you, you've got this.
Wrap it around a stick and then wrap it with rope like you would do with a turkey and then soak it in coconut oil
Haven't done it myself yet but sounds like it might work🤷‍♂️
I believe in you

A double width bus chair

Fuck

There’s a window, but just outside the window is a tall skinny CACTUS

I was leaning against this when I opened the post:

Just be glad it doesn't have needles or thorns.

Small metal filling cabinet that is wider than I am, death is what I get

The wall? I wonder how that's gonna work

Not sure how a television is gonna fit, but here we go

TP

I'm also in the bathroom, but the TP is on my right and to the left is the shower. No objects that aren't attached to the building. So, that'll be hard.
- You can do it, I believe in you.

Reading this on the toilet, literally it's toilet paper

Whole roll, though!
- One... More... Square...

I’m at the DMV, a teenaged girl is sitting next to me 😬

I am currently regretting my choice to sit in the garden. About 20 concrete blocks.

Water heater 😮‍💨

At least it'll be warm?

a nice soft blanket. not sure how much will fit but I bet when I take it out it'll feel like taking packing out of your sinuses after an infection.

I can BREATHE!

Holy mackerel, it's the house!

a wall

Well, my terrier is going up my ass, apparently. Sorry, boy.

It's my wife so I guess it depends on how much of her

Hurry onward Lindsay Lohan, or you will soon be dead.

I have to shove a whole fucking table up there? 😫

Cup.

Uhhhh

A jar. We all know how that ends.

Okay but it doesn’t specify entirely up your ass, just up your ass. So a Bo staff wouldn’t be that bad, it’s smooth at least.

Right? I had a fresh mug of coffee to the left of me when I read it, feels like the scalding alone would make that worse than a bo staff without even getting into the damage a shattering mug could do.

Eugh, nicotine pouch spit cup. Slimy.

A mirror. Or... Myself?

Nice, just a coke spoon

haha nvidia shield toblerone remote

Sharpie.

slightly concerned it doesn't have a flare but this isn't gonna go too wrong I don't think.

Idk how to interpret this when I read it while laying on my right side. What's on my left... the sun?

The first time I saw this post: sunglasses

The second time: 375mL can of beer.

The third time: my cat.

Either my 10in tablet, or my huge ~~ashtray~~ bowl

Its either a large flat screen or CRT that weighs like 70 pounds, I am going to die.

My bathroom sink... at least my bowels will be empty before it ends up inside me.

entire crate of water bottles.

Its just a big ol stuffy, I'll be fine after the surgery.

Large banana stuffie. Could be worse.

Cat wand toy.

Perforated bowel coming up

An ~12"x18"x1" wooden cutting board...

I can make this work.

A chair..

4 ft is about 1.2m - a Bo is typically around 1.8m

Computer 👀

Roll of toilet paper.

It's like a 6ft x 2ft painting (2m x 0.7m roughly) on the wall. Going to be a rough night.

Thankfully just a lip balm...

Too small, it's gonna get lost.

Oh no it's my dog!

... 40 oz metal water bottle...

To my left is just a door. So I guess I gotta shove a whole door up my ass

So do I choose the bath or one of the shampoo bottles? 🤔

I'd go with the shampoo bottles

HARDER!!

Whew, just a coffee mug.

I am currently taking a dump... So the entire bathroom door. 🥲

Air purifier....

Wait what u mean again????
- I should've not said that💀

To my left is my dog Courage, she weighs about 50 lbs so having her shoved up my ass would probably end my life

A teaspoon, or worryingly the kitchen table upon which it is sitting.

I'm pretty sure air already does this

Vlad the impaler

I'm in bed laying on my right side... So the ceiling fan? 💀

Refrigerator. Oofta

Lol u from upper midwest?
- You betchya

A bigass shelf. I'm going to die.

Floor to ceiling window…

A two person seat on a train. Altho with a little shifting, ok now just my backpack. Been wanting to replace my daily anyway, make this one the dirty work pack.

I keep telling my girlfriend that yes, bulk liquid soap has its advantages, but have we really done a thorough analysis of the potential second and third order consequences?

Today its luggage. I'm gonna need a lube wale...a belube wale.

Perfect day* to be a martial artist

The finger pointed at the fish tank.

I wish i die before that
-fish