No wonder people were hoarding it during COVID

i still don't understand how people do this dry. disgusting.

South park, season 26 episode 3, I highly recommend.

Which is why bidet is the only civilized solution.

Toilet paper is for dabbing your little tushy dry, not raking across, and smashing in, loose poopy on your ass.

Love my Japanese toilets. It's funny that people find them gross here. I think it's gross to only use paper to remove shit from your ass. If you get shit on your hands, would you only wipe them with paper?
- Reading this and then immediately reading your username made me lol. But fair.
Toilet paper is also for cleaning the seat and rim of the bowl, every single time. Bidets shouldn't be amazing, but given traditional society, they certainly are.
Yarp, and when you are cutting jalapenos and accidentally touch your eyes it doubles as an emergency eye wash. /s
I do love my bidet though
I bet your ass smells like apple pie.
- Well you’re wrong because it smells like Apple Strudel but for reasons that are wholly unrelated to bidet.

I purchased a relatively cheap bidet recently and it is the single best life upgrade I have ever made . It paid for itself in the first 2 months of not having to buy toilet paper (or at least not nearly as much). It is amazing, I highly recommend.

You got that bum gun bro?
- All hail the bum gun
Preach the bidet gospel, brother.
So many dudes can't get over the butt stuff, it's hilarious.
2 months! I should try this out... if i was still single, a 12 pack would last me like 3 months if not more. Having a wife? A 36 pack lasts like 1 month... its literally a roll a day. It drives me nuts because I honestly can't understand how half of that isn't just waste (if not more).
- Yeah women in my house use over a roll per day too and I have no idea how because a roll lasts me over a month
- You'll save loads of money over time. My wife and I used to go through at least half a cube of toilet paper each month. I installed a bidet and our TP consumption was easily quartered.
Two things I don’t get about bidets: How do you know you’re clean, and how do you dry off without leaving toilet paper lint everywhere?
- I don’t get about bidets: How do you know you’re clean
  Precisely my question to those who don't use them
- You can check whether you're clean with a toilet paper, if you're unsure. But I did so a few times at the beginning and never had stained toilet paper (so long as I didn't stick it inside, I guess), so I don't bother anymore.
  In particular, you also feel cleaner when you regularly use a bidet (like you're freshly showered), so that also makes it easier to feel when you aren't clean...
- It's an assisting tool, not the primary cleaning method. Blasts off bulk material and loosens up whatever's left, but you still need TP to finish the job. A lot less, but you still need some.
  As for lint, that happens regardless of the use of a bidet. Nothing changes there.
- You dab, you don’t rub. And you get clean the same way you clean your back or head, you’re not looking in a mirror for those right?
- You know you’re clean the same way you know you’re clean in the shower. And just like the shower, some use a bit of soap when using the bidet.

Hahahahah, you dont know how to use the three sea shells.

I went to Thailand at the end of last year and used a simple bidet (called a bum gun) for the first time. The VERY first thing I did when I got home to the US was buy one of these kits for like $30 and installed it on my toilet myself. Took like 15mins and changed my life. Now whenever I travel around the US I feel like a savage, having to take a shit in hotel and office bathrooms without a bidet.

You can also buy travel bidets. Basically squeeze bottles that you can direct to the right places. Not as good as an actual bidet, but better than nothing.
- I use one at home so I can use warm water instead of cold, works decently well
- I was very happy to learn that some grocery stores and big box stores sell them (at least in the US)! I was on a trip to Salem, OR and was having a miserable time reverting to toilet paper until I grabbed one of those travel bidets at Lowe's.
Truth. Ruined for life in the best way.
My exact same experience after having visited the Philippines. I got the washlet-style bidet that attaches to the toilet seat area, and as the other reply to your comment suggests, I have a portable bidet as well, as a backup. Bidets are unquestionably the best thing since breathable air.
And yes, if I have to scrape, it feels horrible. Like casually reaching into a septic tank and swirling an arm around.
- Surely the in toilet bum gun isn't sanitory?
  When you get the runs, shit goes everywhere. Poop particles still fly on flush which is why closing the lid is better. If anyone has poo'd on that other than you, it probably has their fecal matter in there. How are those tubes even cleaned?
  The mere thought stresses me out.

His look clearly says "WTF. 'Out' of?! How many knuckles deep do you think is normal, and who taught you that?"

Who shits anyway? Just go elbow deep, grab that sonova and drag it outta 'ere.
- Which came first? Muddin' for catfish or shit-fishin' your own swamp?
I wrap my fist in TP, like a bottle brush, for my asshole
- You would've found that watch the first day.

scoop shit out of your ass

I think OP goes deeper than I do. A lot deeper.

Try finger but hole.

Scooping..? Can I introduce you to a thing called fiber?

Ya seriously, if you have enough structure to your poop you won't need to scoop. You can pull them out like when you make a small cut just big enough for 1 wiener in a pack of hot dogs to limit oxidation.
- 😳
Fiber is fantastic for emptying the bowels, but doesn’t obviate the need for toilet hygiene.
Also I’m pretty sure OOP meant scooping (or rather scraping) the shit from between the ass cheeks, not plowing into the farthest reaches of the bowels using an excavator. I could be wrong, though.

Get a bidet. Get a bidet. Get a bidet.

Why are we still neanderthals about this?

Because a lot of fear, outright ignorance, misconceptions, and other internalized beliefs.
In some cases people talk about “shit water running down my legs!”, so I don’t think they can visualize the water falling down into the bowl, and leaning a bit to one side to wipe dry. Or (possibly? idk) they think you stand up to use the bidet.
Another one is fear of the spray spreading bacteria around, or the like.
Then there is that the admittedly low bar for entry of installing the bidets is enough friction to not deviate from scraping-based insanity.
- I got mine in pandemic during the TP outages. I have gone through so little TP since then. My girlfriend accounts for 95% of its usage because she won't use it.
Best argument for getting a bidet I've heard. Imagine getting poo anywhere on your body, you'd be rinsing it off with water. Why not your butthole? Needless to say I have one in each of my bathrooms.

Better than anything said in the movie

Hm Idk... When you clean a whiteboard with a rag does the rag become a cover for your hands to scoop up marker ink?

Instructions unclear. Brown marker stuck in my ass.
Effectively, yes, if you cover your hand with the rag. I’ve mostly seen people hold the rag in their hand, using it in the same manner one uses a broom to sweep the floor.