I personally like Green Eggs & Ham

Based off of the try-hard linkedin douches I know I'd say:

The Art of War
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Rich-dad poor-dad
The Art of the Deal

If this is the approach, Infinite Jest and War and Peace are solid options. Maybe Oversized Penises for Dummies.
- Fuck great call. I thought having two "war" novels might make the joke worse but Infinite Jest is peak big brain public masturbation reading material
Habits of Highly Successful People

Art.

And once you've finished:
- Rev. Owen Thomas

South. Eastern. Public. Transport authority.

If you mean reading performatively ALOUD on public transportation, there's only one choice: The Bible, King James Version.

While I agree I prefer the Ving Rhames version
- just realized I was actually in possession of the LeAnn Rimes version, unbeknownst to me
- Do they have The Meats™?
Read In A Condescending Voice By a 14 Year Old Atheist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67Vg9EYy4c0

But make sure you shake your head the whole time so people know you disagree with irrational numbers.

Why Civil Resistance Works by Eric Chenoweth & Maria Stephan

Is the answer the implied threat of uncivil resistance?

I won't accept this anti pigeon rhetoric.

Oh god do people think you're being performative when you read in public transport?

Only people who don't read.

House of Leaves. That way if anyone notices you’re holding it upside down they’ll just think you’re really into it. And if anyone asks you what it’s about you can say “I have no fucking clue what’s happening, there’s a house I think?” and you’ll be correct.

Um. I think it's pretty easy to understand, but it's all a meta-narrative with an unreliable narrator.
The narrative devices are quite ingenious.
- I love the book, just gently poking fun.
- I watched a video essay on MyHouse.wad. I've never played Doom or read House of Leaves. Now I don't need to do either.

Surviving Life With Your Gigantic Penis by Chris Boden.

Yes, that's the title of an actual book.

How about an oversized Dr Seuss book?

Props if it is:
I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew
Yertle the Turtle
The Sneetches

Lolita while furrowing your brow and shaking your head so everyone knows you disagree with the protagonist's actions.

If you’re on a bus, read the novelization of Speed.

What's it called?
- Speed.

No go hard mode, "Fox in socks" you have a total of 2 minutes.

https://youtu.be/q5wvurTU5DI

Did any of Chuck Tingle's books get physical releases?

Print them out on computer paper and staple your own!
Yes. I've seen this at a queer bookstore.

Moby Dick. It is free, unnecessarily long, really wordy, and mostly boring.

Just a man who hates a fish.
- I think way too much about how Ishmael complained that the harpooner didn't also spear the whale and only hooked it and always also expected to row the hardest. Like, hell yeah, you've convinced me, Herman Melville!
  Rockwell Kent's illustrations are also amazing.
- Wait a minute.
  You can't evolve out of a clade.
  Mammals are ultimately descended from fish...
  My fucking God, whales are fish.

Is the new thing making fun of people who read on the train? I do it all the time ☹️

John said "reading performatively" - so, unless you're doing that...
- Thankfully the people in charge of deciding whether your actions are performative or not have great judgment
- I’m curious to know what counts as performative reading haha
Reminds me of Bill Hicks' bit 'What are you reading for?'
- Bro was going strong until he tried to put down people who bring me waffles.
  Those are some of the best kind of people, and, quite frankly?
  Comedians shouldn't be throwing stones at anyone in terms of life achievements.
- That is my favorite thing Bill Hicks ever did. Just a perfectly-crafted routine. I realize it's not his most political or anything, but just in terms of craft, it's amazing.

Can reccomend the the epic of Gilgamesh, just be sure you don't actually enjoy reading it, or else you'd just be reading on the bus...

Is there a book about how Ayn Rand was a total piece of shit that helped ruin America?

A nearly monotone, apathetic reading of The Stranger or The Plague.

A Critique of Pure Reason

The dictionary

Anything by Chuck Tingle

Can't go wrong with Hobbit and LOTR!

It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Go Dog, Go!

Do you like my hat?

You can never go wrong with the classic, Turtleneck top, glases (not optional), sneakers, Ulysses.

There is a more modern way though, bring a travel chessboard and do random moves, then look at your phone type somethgin, wait, and then make another random move.

Real talk, H.G. Wells was a fantastic author and his biggest hits are both immediately recognizable enough to be a performative conversation starter while also having the added bonus/hazard of potentially accidentally getting into it.

War of the Worlds, The Time Machine and The Invisible Man are all ones I've recently listened via Librivox (I linked the specific readers I listened to) during my commutes, but of course, my goal is to actually enjoy the books

I really love journey to the centre of the earth.

Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake.

Gotta start with Titus Groan! Just skip the forword that was added most recently though.

Beat the dealer, it shows you read and that you are smart in other ways

Autumn in Pekin by Boris Vian, which happily doesn't treat neither Pekin nor Autumn in any way.

Memoirs of the better Past, be Wizarding_Lizarding.

Eat Prey, Luv??

Can't believe no one's suggested Nietzsche (Zarathustra, etc). Maybe no longer in vogue now that sincerity is on the rise, though.

Catcher in the Rye, of course.

Make sure to scribble madly, illegibly, in the margins and the occassionally glare at your fellow passengers while making finger guns.