Thank you!

I think it's easy to point how this is pretty off in some ways, but if you think of it as being aimed at someone with no coffee knowledge, I think it's not a bad overview of how that person is likely to experience those types of drinks.

as someone who knows fuck all about coffee i can confirm this is how i see coffee. The one thing i know is that i like milky carmel cappuccinos:3
- Here's a quick tidbit I always have in the back of my mind:
  If it's an Italian name, it's espresso-based and if it's a French name, it's coffee-based.
  Italian coffee, for example:
  Americano - Espresso and water
  Latte - Espresso and regular milk
  Cappuccino - Espresso and steamed milk
  Breve - Espresso and steamed half-and-half
  French coffee, for example:
  Café - Plain coffee, sometimes called Café Noir
  Café au Lait - Coffee and regular milk
  Café Cremé - Coffee and cream (or sometimes half-and-half)
  Café Americano - Coffee and water, it's the French version of the Italian style.
  What's the difference between coffee and espresso? Coffee is brewed and steeped. Espresso is created by forcing water through very, very densely-packed coffee grounds using high pressure. Coffee is typically enjoyed in cups and espresso is typically consumed in "shots" because of the strong flavor.
- Wow, I thought I was the only person who didn’t know anything about coffee!
- Yeah, my partner has to explain to me what the difference is between two drinks at least once a month. I just know I like the sweet ones and hazelnut goes good with most of em
I'm sorry but an americano is half coffee half water. It's not black coffee. Black coffee would be a "solo".
- My point is that a non-coffee drinker is going to drink that and think it tastes like black coffee. Their experience of it will be what's on the sign even if that's inaccurate.
  Also just an FYI, an americano is espresso shots in water, not coffee. Similar to what you're describing, but a little smoother.

If I ask for a latte, and you give me a coffee with milk, I’m gonna be upset. There’s a big difference between steamed milk and just milk.

I ordered an almond joy latte and went back in asking for another drink cause it was horrible.
Turns out it was a coffee not a drink. I hadn't had coffee in so long I couldn't identify the lack of steamed milk. 🫤
I did get it remade as a latte and it was amazing.
If I ask for latte, and you give me a coffee with milk, I’m gonna be upset. There’s a big difference between milk and coffee with milk.
- You do know that when you steam milk it changes the consistency, right? It’s like the difference between a coke and a completely flat coke.

Hmm, I don't think I'd want to buy coffee from this place

Was going to say, if my coffee shop doesn’t know the difference between coffee and an espresso, I’m not buying a coffee from them.
- Espresso is coffee. And it's not like they're making the advertisement for themselves lol
Exactly ... it's the kind of place with one cheap coffee machine that buys the cheapest ground bulk coffee they can find and probably spike the grounds with a bit of salt to make it palpable for their regular customers who all don't care about their coffee because they've been visiting the same place for over 20 years.

Half of this are wrong though

Excuse me, but I have had a lot of tea and I can confirm that it is not coffee.
- Espresso is also not coffee.
Right, a flat white is definitely not white.
- A latte is also a white coffee, and most baristas are going to think you want an americano with milk.
It's a guide for stupid people written by stupid people. I bet they'll call you "woke" if you order a cappuccino there.

I know everyone is here for the same thing, and we've all been correcting this image since it showed up five years ago, but an Americano is not a black coffee.

It is however, coffee that is black, but if I ordered one and got the other, I'd know somethings up.

Also, I really don't know why people drink americano. To me they just taste like cigarettes, but I'm currently drinking chicory so my opinion is moot.

By "a black coffee", do you mean drip/filter coffee? Because a caffe lungo is also a black coffee, for example
An Americano isn't coffee.
It's a watered down espresso.
The only reason it exists is because Americans visiting Europe would ask for coffee, and many euro coffee shops only had espresso, so they just added hot water to espresso and that was close enough for the tourists.
At least, that was what I heard.
- I'm confused now, because espresso is also coffee? Like, it's all made from coffee beans. I agree that Americano is espresso with water, but to me that is absolutely a kind of coffee.
As an American living in Europe for over a decade, Americano is the default I have to drink when I'm out unless I go to a hipster coffee shop. The main reason being practically no one does filter coffee, but almost every restaurant has an espresso machine.
And it tastes like cigarettes because even though every restaurant has an espresso machine it doesn't mean they clean it, and doesn't mean their staff knows how to use it properly. Water temps too high, too much coffee grounds, over compressed, lowest quality beans. Fucking everywhere. It's awful.
- even though every restaurant has an espresso machine it doesn’t mean they clean it, and doesn’t mean their staff knows how to use it properly. Water temps too high, too much coffee grounds, over compressed, lowest quality beans. Fucking everywhere. It’s awful.
  And this is why, as an Italian, I can't drink espresso anywhere in the world. 9/10 is just awful
For whatever reason, at the time Italian coffee names became so popular 15 or so years ago, coffee became either super intense or a dessert. I'm old and I just want a mild coffee like I used to drink before the fashion, not a super strong one. Call me a lightweight if you want, I don't take pride in doing stimmulants.
an Americano is not a black coffee.
It is however, coffee that is black,
Hold on now, I'm not getting this. What meaning could "black coffee" possibly have other than a coffee that is black?
- It's color is black, but it's not black the type. Cold brew, espresso, and chickory are also blackthe color, but they're not what you ordered if you wanted black the type.

~~Tea~~ Soup

~~espresso~~ compressed coffee

Coffee^2

~~caramalized onions~~ warm onions

~~bread~~ flour with water

~~tuna~~ fish
~~salmon~~ fish
~~sword~~fish
~~eel~~ fish
~~octopus~~ fish
~~chicken~~ fish
- red fish, orange fish, stabby fish, long fish, arm fish, feathery not fish
- Only know about chicken fish from Tom Waits and John Lurie.
~~bread~~ flour with water
No, it's milled wheat grains with water
- Keep your wheat. Rye is where it's at.

I prefer the Spanish names.

Americano - half coffee half water.
Solo - just coffee.
Cortado - coffee with a "cut" of milk.
Cafe con leche - half coffee half milk.
Leche manchada - milk "dirtied" with a dash of coffee.

Then expresso and all the other bullshit.

Fr, the amount of times I found myself having to say "just half coffee half milk" because I forgot the fucking dumb nonsensical name…

For anyone that sees espresso and thinks express, as in something fast, it's actually meant to be pressed, as it's an Italian term. So that's hot water that went through pressed coffee powder.

So that's hot water that went through pressed coffee powder.
The "pressed" doesn't refer to the coffee powder but to the water: the water is pressed through the coffee grounds using high pressure (around 9 bars or so).
- Ops, my mistake!
It also means express in italian. It's a pun. The reason it was invented was to make coffee brewing faster so coffee breaks wouldn't take so long.
Espresso makes me Expresso.
You espress it?
- Si

For all you coffee snobs hear me this!

Affogato!
Get a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Pour a shot of espresso over it. Heaven!!

https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1022454-affogato

I don't like coffee but I think this could be the gateway drug.
- It is. Vanilla ice cream with coffee is delicious.
- You get the warm bitter espresso then the cool sweet vanilla icecream. You need to eat it quick while it melts then drink it when it combines into a coolish sweet coffee thing.
  Its fantastic and so simple.
As a (somewhat) coffee snob, I can confirm, this is heaven.

But an espresso is strong coffee and not neccessarily miniature...

A more apt description would be "Concentrated Coffee" lol
And an Americano is a watered-down espresso. That said, it tastes identical to coffee to me but I don't drink the shit so...
- Well, it's supposed to taste like instant coffee as found in WW2 rations for Americans, hence the term.
Do you drink double-quad espresso shots or something?
They're definitely miniature compared to a cappuccino or and americano.

This is gonna make a lot of Europeans mad.

Source : am french. I love me some Americano, but the default here is the espresso. You can also get a "long espresso" which is basically a diluted espresso, and is still not the same as an Americano (and this is where my coffee knowledge stops, so I'm not sure what the differences are exactly). I also have some Italian family and they would probably disown me if I said that the Americano is the "default" black coffee

I thought flat white and latte were synonyms and they both meant milky coffee. Now I'm confused, so it's just the foam?

Flat white is 2 espresso shots and equal parts steamed milk. A Latte is more steamed milk (idk the exact ratio if there is one), most places just fill up whatever latte cup they have which should be bigger than the flat white cup, and has a small amount of head/foam.
Flat white is always made with some milk foam on top, traditionally less than a Latte.
So the difference should be in the ratio of coffee to milk to froth, which is also true of other varieties like cortado.
I think there's also mixture ratio difference but yes.

If I order an Americano and you serve me a filter black coffee, I swear ...

For me it's the other way around :(
- I'm surprised that happens! Seems like a complicated mistake to make.

~~caffeine in suppository form~~ ass coffee

Boofaccino

~~Espresso~~ concentrated coffee

Quality shitpost.

That's just "Other nonsense" e.g. whats wrong with Tea and Hot Chocolate?

It isn't coffee.
That's about a -31 on the "what kind of coffee is this" scale.
They are coffee extremists, but from the other side of the spectrum.
Equally or even more annoying than the "Venti Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino, extra cream, pinch of pumpkin spice, ..." crowd. Since that side at least doesn't force their views on coffee on other people.

This is just bacon style marketing.

But where's the Cortado?

Shop owner only sells cheap coffee made from instant pulver

Americano cafe negro ultra rebajado

I will not be ordering a "chalky coffee".

It's a "choccy (chocolate) coffee"
- Yep. But unless I'm writing my order down, that's what it will sound like.

They forgot to list the Jackson, which is a coffee that starts out Black but turns White

This has been '90s comedy night, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks for coming and be sure to tip your waitstaff!

Flat white, cappuccino, latte and machiatto are the same thing. It's just coffee with milk.

All mammals are the same thing, just carbon life forms
- Carbon lifeforms with milk. Get it right.
Pizza, cream cheese bagel, and cheese on crackers are the same thing. It’s just bread with cheese.