Does anybody else understand they need to make deep connections with people but their social battery has been dead for a while and can't put up with people's BS?
I like infodumping, then being infodumped back at, until we arrive at some crossover subject of mutual curiousity we can discuss till the cows come home. Unfortunately while my gf loves this, my bff doesn't appreciate this tho.
I do enjoy that at times because I'm generally a curious person that likes to learn. Someone told me it's a sign of autism once but that person was also an idiot in many aspects.
I graduated high school in 2005, one out of some 300 of my graduating class. Had plenty of friends. Went to community college, several folks I knew from school went to the same community college, met plenty of new folks. Had plenty of friends. Transferred to university, had plenty of friends, got to know my roommates pretty close, that kind of thing.
Out of college, I disappeared into what I thought was going to be my career for a few years. When I came back up and looked around, I found myself in a different world with people that aren't people anymore, there are walking talking eating shitting cell phone stands.
I don't try to socialize for the same reason I don't go hunting for Carolina parakeets: Interpersonal relationships aren't a thing that exists in the world anymore. We killed them all and the corpse of the last one is on display behind glass at the Raleigh museum of Natural Sciences.
I understand the viewpoint but this seems exaggerated. If anything I think good interpersonal relationships are far easier and more widespread than like 20 years ago (mid-2000s), though 2010s were def peak 👌
Walking talking eating shitting cell phone holders is pretty funny, and accurate
There are still people out there which aren't zombified yet. And it's still worth the effort to try and seek them out.
they're very rare though. i barely know anyone besides myself.
"... stands", man, I wish my lack of social skills translated to a Jojo's Bizarre Adventure like superpower.
Yes, I feel that way sometimes. But I try to keep in mind that humans are innately social creatures, and I shouldn’t shut myself off like that. It helps to have pre-planned events with people I know I like, like playing a TTRPG or board game, or volunteering.
Being with people without an activity is weird for a long time, you need to REALLY know them to do that.
Nah, I'm just shy. Especially with women. I don't feel I have much to offer anyone.
Yup. It’s part and parcel of my autism.
There must be loads and loads of autism types. I see comments like this on Lemmy across the board. When I think of autism I think of truly slow autistic people. Can you explain deeper? I've looked online but there's a lot of wildly conflicting information.
In recent years we've come to the conclusion that autism is much broather than previously understood and than many more people fall om its' spectrum. People that have an account on a platform like Lemmy are automatically highly probably autistic in some way because or the barrier to entry and specific interests that normal people wouldn't even bother with.
Sure. This guy was extraordinarily helpful for me.
I'm wired wrong for most social interactions. It's a serious problem, and my attempts to overcome it generally make it much worse. But "accepting myself" means accepting unemployment, and then how can I pay rent? (Currently unemployed and living with family).
However, I don't think people's social behavior is all BS. I try not to be resentful. I know there's lots of BS, but I also know that's what becomes most obvious to me, so it's partly a matter of perception.
Mind elaborating on how you're wired wrong? Genuinely curious to see which, if any, traits we share.
Sure. There are layers to it. If I socially interact for a few hours then I'll become exhausted, probably cranky. A psychiatrist said I have ADHD, and the sensory input of multiple persons being around is too much. Social environments tend to be overwhelming. A psychologist said I have avoidant personality disorder, but I'm not sure I agree since my problem isn't based on fear, the fear is downstream to basic social inabilities. But the fear does cause its own problems.
I also have a social phobia. I don't think it's genetic, since I didn't have it as a kid. But my teenage years (11-18) were severely isolated, and full of humiliation and severe loneliness. I just never recovered from that. I spent my 20s trying to learn, forcing myself into all these social environments, but it was mostly just a torturous cycle of collapse.
I over-rely on my sense of humor, and this often causes problems. Most of the time it works really well (people like to laugh, and they appreciate a good joke), so I can make a very good first impression. But when it comes to "actual" social interaction, I simply have no idea what to say, like ever. I can negotiate well on other people's behalf, and I'm good at explaining things, but in open-ended social situations I tend to be weirdly quiet or else I say horribly wrong things without realizing it. I've experienced multiple instances of people doing prolonged campaigns of social warfare against me because I accidentally insulted them, and they recognize my vulnerabilities. I'm terrible at reading non-verbal communication (this isn't just a product of social anxiety or phobia... my brain just doesn't pick up on these things, doesn't know what to do with them). So basically I'm not a social creature. Some people actually have thought that I was mentally handicapped (or experiencing cognitive decline, or that I'm "on drugs") because I just don't respond like an intelligent person. But then I'll go to "therapy" (what a disgusting joke) and they'll see how well I can explain myself, and they'll declare me to be fine. Clearly no problems with "communication" (but socializing isn't just explaining things to a person).
I could go on and on, but that paints a picture.
See how many people here share your troubles? There's no shortage of people like you. The thing is, like you say, you have to stop putting up with people's bullshit. When you notice bullshit, confront them with it, and if there's no way of reconciliation, move on immediately, don't try to "put up" with anything. From what you said it seems like you hold on to toxic people too long.
Also, have you ever thought about that you might also have "BS" that other people would have to deal with when they want to create a deep connection with you? Do you think that's absolutely impossible?
I've already accepted my closest friends are still going to have a lot of distance, that's apparently just the level I can get to comfortably.
My wife on the other hand constantly seeks out friendships regardless of how ridiculously toxic they are (I shouldn't detail but seriously extreme toxicity), she thinks if she doesn't put up with it, then she won't have any friends.
I know I'm not the only one with this issue and it could probably become more common with the direction society has chosen to head in. Ya unfortunately I was born to some less than ideal parents so I was forced into a caregiver role as a child. That made me into someone who would, to a fault, always believe people can change for the better if I give them the chance. Which of course is not true for a lot of people and a painful lesson to learn.
Nah, actually I'm perfect and everyone around me is just stupid. Kidding of course. I know I have my quirks and I've also learned to cater to other's preferences as a child. Not so much anymore, someone mentioned in here something about not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. I wish someone told me that was an option decades ago.
What I mean with "you're not the only one" is that you'll be (probably easily) able to find people that are good for you. Didn't mean to put light on the fact it's a societal issue; might be, might not be, but it's irrelevant. Just meant to say that enough good people are out there.
If you're like what you say you are, "staying with people in the hopes they might change for the better", what I've noticed in my time on Earth is that "people like you" actually do find these problematic people specifically and spend their time with them. You want to improve the world and that means the people within them, and so you think your time is well spent like this.
However, this is unfortunately almost totally wrong. Instead of achieving your goal, the problematic people just mostly stay like they are, and because of that all that happens is that you become miserable because you don't see any improvement, and don't have any meaningful relationships.
If I may suggest an alternative, what I've found is that you actually have to find people that are already mostly good and have a proven track record of improving themselves. These are mostly good people. They have no big problems and no toxic behaviors. I assume you are such a person. So in other words, you have to find someone like you. If you do that, you can both improve together and help each other, instead of this one-sided thing you probably mostly had going on.
And yeah, like you said, "not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm", this means you have to stop spending time with the people that just drain you, even though it may sometimes be painful.
Anyway, hope you have a wonderful time, because this is actually all really fun once you prioritize your own happiness while dealing with others :D
I find im always just howling into the void.
social battery
social spicy pillow
My social battery is dead and been incinerated.
You all had social batteries to start with.? I haven't really ever had it and haven't ever had much if at all deep connections. Not because I don't try but because people can't deal with my genetically dead social batteries.
If you're still interested to try and meet people, I would suggest still trying to meet up or go to locations with a bunch of people and check yourself.
How do you feel there, what do you notice, what makes you feel tired?
Very often you'll find yourself overly alert, overly self concious, or simply not used to the experience. These all drain energy.
Try again and notice if it changes. Keep trying.
Interacting with people is like any other skill. If you don't do it badly at first, you'll never get to the point where you can do it well.
I was an isolator who got a job where I was dealing with everyone in a public health facility. By 'everyone' I mean everyone from doctors and police to homeless schizophrenics.
It was sink or swim, but I got the skills.
I was very social when I was younger. Worked retail jobs from 15-23. I didn't have and technically still don't have a problem talking to whoever, whether it's a crackhead at the library or a prof at school. I just got to a point where I couldn't handle the abuse from family, being betrayed by my ex of 7 years, serious health issue, and noone wanted to help me through it regardless of what kindness I showed them in the past. Really woke me up to people's bullshit, smile to your face but consider you an annoyance when you're down and out. Made me really reconsider what I wanted to spend my few years on earth doing. Putting up with people, or providing myself with peace and security.
Edit: what I've found about being a forgiving person is that you can forgive someone for 100 of their faults but when the last straw breaks the camels back, you are automatically an anti-social asshole because you have a limit to how much BS you can handle
Let's break it down.
First, what kind of 'peace and security' are you going to have without other people? Even if you manage to amass a vast fortune, you'll need some kind of caretakers.
Second, you act as if every single person you interact with is out to get you. You had a lousy family and apparently one adult relationship that floundered after 7 years. That sounds about average, tbh.
As for your health issues. Have you looked for support groups of people with the same problem?
Social media. You use it up spending time on Reddit and Lemmy etc.
Nah, it's easy to block and or not engage in toxicity on social media if you choose so
people spend time on social media before it enshittifies completely. in 10 years it's all gonna be dead internet theory and bots, controlled by oligarchs for the purpose of advertisement.
the problem will solve itself eventually.
I feel this a lot. Between people moving away and turning inward, I have maybe one or two really good friends.
yes, but i am also becoming more tolerant of personal quirks as i’ve learned of my autism and how it impacts my socializing. i worry nobody likes me and tend to avoid conversation. i want friends. i have some, but more would be nice. something genuine and deep but equally as stupid and silly and shallow.
I wonder if "human BS" is just the frustration that real human communication is less convenient and demands more attention than the other forms of communication we've gotten used to.
Email also requires a lot of “human BS” to avoid conveying an unintended tone without being able to directly address it.
I think that applies prior to texting, social media, video calls too though. Except back then, I could avoid people by either not giving them my number or saying I wasn't home when they called.
Now you're expected to have your phone on you at all times, then little Jimmy from elementary school finds you on social media and wants to know if you're interested in essential oils.
I have something like your problem. I try to be really patient and caring, but it’s gotten to the point where I have a reputation among my friends and family for it. Now I have more people to support than I can handle emotionally. My battery isn’t dead, but now it’s like blowing a breaker if the draw on any given day is too much.
To be fair many people out there are just becoming more horrible and its not worth your effort ;)
If my boss is in a talkative mood by the time I get home from work I don't want to hear another human at all.
I read this with pauses in the wrong spots and thought it was going to be some kind of joke that your boss was your wife or something
On any given day my boss will babble more words to me than my wife has said in 20 years of marriage.
kicks you in the balls
Yes.
Want to be friends, but then never talk? Like ever?
Sounds like my kind of friendship. I'm in!
...
For me, it's more like:
My social battery has been dead for a while and I can't moderate my behavior enough to get new people to put up with my bullshit.
Mucho self-aware. 👌
That's why I hate the insertion of "mindfulness" into every type of self-help.
Motherfucker, did it ever occur to you that my hyper-awareness of shit is part of the cause of my problems?