kofe @ kofe @lemmy.world

they/them

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Joined

2 yr. ago

I'm in one of these shit holes, and what's frustrating about your attitude is the privilege behind it assuming all of us can leave.

I want to stress for anyone finding themselves in this pattern, healing is possible and there are often free or low cost services, especially with telehealth now more widely available and experts weighing in on social media

I am an abuse victim, but I've had therapy on and off and have been in school for psych the last few years, throwing myself into understanding through as many outlets as possible. I may have fallen for this shit ten years ago. Now look at me slappin this shit down 😤

And communities like this are so important, too! Building support groups so you aren't isolated and being gaslit into further trauma.

Yes 😭 but I figured at the time not everyone has seen or heard that. The only reason I know is I follow Bruce Rivers on YouTube

To be fair, it started the night before and I stayed up journaling on my phone for a while after he fell asleep 😅

Ok this turned into a novel, so buckle up I guess lol. Yeah, there was a lot said over the month that I pushed back on. There's nuance to it though, right? It's not like the manosphere content is built entirely on lies. Like, one of the first things that stuck out to me is him saying that when men lean into their masculinity then women can embrace their femininity. That can be true for some couples, but it's obviously not universal and is more often fluid.

He talked about his sister a few times, a psych major that I didn't know identifies as non-binary until he showed me their Facebook page by chance and I saw their pronouns listed. But he didn't care. He said they were "radicalized" after they went to college.

Another one: "choices have consequences" when discussing abortion, even though he did agree it should be available, it's just "morally gray" for him. His ex had one and he said he thought she secretly wanted him to push her to keep it. They broke up shortly after.

Anyway, most of the rest of it was just sprinkled in, and culminated in the conversation yesterday. It actually started the night before, I got upset and wanted to shut down the conversation cuz it was all really building up, but we repaired, went to hang out with our friend, and it wasn't until later it hit me he'd said that thing about men traditionally being the head of the household because they're more capable "if you look at the results." I dwelled on it forever after he fell asleep, journaled about it on my phone and had my responses ready the next morning.

Yeah, the replies here have been really heartwarming. I'm glad to be here:) thank you

Oh shit I forgot that exists. I'll do that after I get some sleep, thanks!

For sure. Not to say there aren't differences between genders, but yeah, I tried pointing out to the guy from my post that we're all emotional creatures, and ignoring that can have pretty damaging effects. He did try to say women are more emotional along with men being more logical, and of course my reaction was to feel angry at the injustice and explain that. Feels much healthier and logical for me to listen to that emotion and walk away. Now I'm getting all talkative lol. Think that shows women (well, I'm nonbinary AFAB) may talk more when they feel safe, and I appreciate you contributing to that:)

Thank you. Left a taste in my mouth probably similar to your username 😆

I've bookmarked it to check it out later, sounds interesting af. Thank you!

Yes, that's actually why I didn't reply to them. The first part of the comment comes across like they didn't read what I wrote directly after, and I'm not interested in repeating myself or getting defensive over having a brief reactionary response to emotional abuse. Thank you 💜

Oh, that was one of the yellow flags! I mentioned that I'd been following the case with Tate, and he's a sex trafficker. Homeboy said "well it's not proven in court" like...sir lol. Fucking yikes. Definitely not ignoring that in the future

I've actually used this before to argue with someone about gender v sex, and it can be fun when I'm not romantically interested lol. Just play into it on anonymous accounts that they can't know your gender, so why assign it at all if it's not explicitly stated? The person I argued with eventually admitted they were just scared of making a mistake in social settings, so I encouraged them to practice. It doesn't take that long to get used to, and it's exactly how you prevent mistakes!

But then I added in another comment, we're human and there's room for error. It's the people that intentionally misgender that are the assholes

I love the joke, thank you. I'm feeling excited to move on:)

Of course, give ourselves room for error, but we also learn from it

Thanks! I got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago, so this was my first dip back in the water. It was a good reminder of why I ended the last relationship. I don't want to settle, don't want to waste time hoping it'll change or that I can fix something. I want the best for myself and those around me. But I know the best way is to just keep putting myself out there when I'm ready. I'm excited, too! It definitely can be fun

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sucks, but I'm glad you're having fun now, too 💜

Yes! I had noticed he was being a dick to his roommate at one point, who's our mutual friend. Really caught me off guard. Fucked up product of how men can be socialized in sexist societies. I just feel bad for everyone in that dynamic, even the guys putting others down, cuz they think it'll help them get their needs met but it just shoots them in the foot. And of course victims don't deserve that treatment to begin with. We should be lifting each other up, validating that we're all capable and logical

Oh, that line I gave him about logic was one of the last things I said as I finished picking up my stuff to walk out the door. I followed up with "it's been fun - good luck." He had just kept digging in and I told him I'm not taking it upon myself to educate him. He can read a book or two about it

Thank you for sharing your experience, though it fucking sucks. You're right that I do feel empowered for recognizing my worth. Just hate that it's coming from mistreatment, you know? Here's to finding empowerment through healthy means and healthy partners 💜

Thank you!

I'm fuckin frustrated, thank you for asking! But how the heck are you!?