dennis5wheel @ dennis5wheel @programming.dev

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10

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27

Joined

1 yr. ago

You didn’t tell us when he asks if everything is OK. That is a large omission, and I hope you can update the original post with examples of what led up to the question being asked.

I'm a nurse and where I work at we all have to eat together, meaning I'm a captive audience and have to be there, like it or not. My coworkers are so special if I eat alone, away from them, they'll come to me later and ask if everything's all right. If I eat my lunch together with them but read a book, they invariably ask if everything's all right.

I cannot win here. They need this level of attention and I just want to be left alone.

“When you ask me if everything’s ok, it makes me feel pressured/put on the spot.”

have you ever done this yourself? To me it makes me look weak, giving them something they can use to attack me.

The use of ‘insinuating’ sounds like you’re filling in a lot of blank space with your own narrative.

kinda disagree:

I'm the quiet one and most extroverts where I work at find that offensive. they feel offended because I don't ask them about their lives, lives I don't care about. I've told 3 coworkers already that I don't talk to them because I have to work and they react aggressively and feel offended, fully convinced I don't talk to them because I hate them.

But keep not doing their jobs, meaning I have to do my job and theirs while they keep talking.

you are right. thanks!

you rule!

I can tell you that what works for me is to be polite but distant. I’ll say “good morning!” to my coworkers and “have a good night!” At the end of the shift. I’ll be helpful when needed, and I’ll do my best to work well with others.

I already do this, but to some where I work, it's not enough.

the rest of your sentences are worth a try.

thank you for these examples

thank you for your detailed answer.

I don’t know if you resent the idea that your reasons have to be socially acceptable to these guys or should have to be massaged to avoid them taking things personally, but ask yourself this: do you want to teach them a lesson and demonstrate your contempt for them, or do you want to just be left alone to work and to continue to work effectively with them? Pragmatism over principle would make sense here.

my reasons have to be acceptable to them, because otherwise, they'll feel offended. And this is not a group of adults capable of separating work from personal life, they perceive slights very easily and once they feel offended, they lash out and use any pretext to not help with patients and suddenly, I'm the only one catering to patients while they sit and talk.

I just want to work until I find another workplace. I don't believe it makes sense to work with them long term.

In short, take the easiest route if possible and just eat somewhere else at lunch and redirect the conversation back to work if they keep talking to you during work.

I cannot eat lunch alone because I have to be on call, even when I'm doing my pause. As a matter of fact, I don't have a pause. At other units, employees take turns to pause and the ones on duty, work, so each of us gets 30 minutes of peace. This doesn't happen where I work because for whatever reason, manager wants us to eat all together and feels offended if somebody chooses not to eat with them. They feel offended even for this. If I choose eating elsewhere, manager will order me with her fake politeness to eat with them, because I have to be there, should a patient need me.

What about this: I'm there, eating with them. They ask me a privy question and I answer: 'nice weather today' or 'what did you have for breakfast'? completely ignoring the question and trying to redirect.

thank you for defending me, but as you can see, being a minority is not easy: a neutrally worded and genuine question is met by animosity because people like maalus simply don't understand or don't want to understand. And he get's upvoted. Even worse, he and his followers assume malevolence.

Just wanted you to know that I appreciate the feeling, but they are more and talk waaay more.

But still, I don't know what to tell my delicate coworkers.

And make no mistake, this post will also be downvoted...

if I go the autism route, ain't there a chance HR will ask for proof?

am very careful with how I phrase stuff

I was always polite and vague with how I declined their questions early on

would you write some examples for me to use?

so how do you survive them? and on a daily basis?

thanks a lot for all of this, so many things I didn't even consider. I never thought they could be this dangerous. Petty and childish? Every day, but this dangerous? Nope. How naive of me.

As I guess you know, it's very tiring to pretend interest when they bore me. It’s really dawning to me that the best outcome would be to work entirely somewhere else or follow your advice and ask my supervisor not to make me work with them.

I’m not that convinced about fake bonding with the nosy ones, because, why would I do that? I have no trouble discussing the weather or recipes with the other 50%, it’s just this clique that’s… childish and immature. And I don’t go to work to feel stressed.

while I'm very tempted to follow this route, what do I tell them if 2 of them gang together with the contradictory info I fed them and confront me? 'I don't recall ever saying that, please let me work'?

It's even worse when your supervisor sometimes acts like one of these people.

I might just repeat like a broken record 'I don't want to talk about it and I hope you respect that'.

I still believe a nosy person will test this boundary, but I'll try it and see what happens.

boy, people sure are thin skinned

thanks for your post.

ace

Live your life according to your own schedule and speak your actual truth.

Last time I tried this approach they made me feel like shit and bullied me.

actually I don't agree.

To me this is deflection: they ask me something I don't want to answer, I lie to them and try to stay away from them: I don't disclose anything about me, they don't feel offended, don't start drama and leave me alone.

Gossips are gonna gossip no matter what I say, they need it, so I'd better disclose false information so they can attack me the least.

My strategy if they ask me again about my age if they suspect I lied to them or if they hear from other gossips my real age: lie again or say a ludicrous number. If they keep pestering me, remind them to go to work and go to work.

Sometimes I think I should work somewhere else.

I’ve never really had a problem.

then my coworkers are all busybodies who don't know what boundaries are.

Still, answering 'how old are you' with 'none of your business' seems overkill. I just want them to leave me alone.