I am two of them

There are two men inside you. You will not be able to walk straight tomorrow.

Girl here. I would eat free onion rings.

Off who?
- Any consenting adult with a clean dick and zero expectations.
Off when?
- Any consenting time with dick expectations and clean zeros.
Off what?
- Any consenting surface with zero dicks and clean expectations.
Let's put the fun in Funyuns

🎶 'Cause if you like it, then you should've put a ring on it

If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it 🎶

Someone eating bitey food off a boner sounds risky and scary.

Bitey food cooked in boiling hot oil.
I’ll pass.
Well at least it ain’t calamari

I'm bi. But because of reasons I've never openly explored my sexuality with another guy. A while back I got bored and switch my dating profile to accept everyone as potential matches. Overnight my tinder blew up, message after message like after like. It was overwhelming with the amount of potential matches so I deleted my account and tried again

Fresh meat
I am curious, more messages from which gender?
- Men.
  I went from 3 likes from women exclusively to 99+ from both in like two weeks.

i love how there are some straight men in the comments getting offended as if this post was directed specifically at them.

like, bruv, you don't know that it's for you, so chill. maybe it's for the pansexuals or intersex people out there, who knows?

As someone who is straight/cis/male, and very secure in that..... Anyone who takes offense.... Probably gay. Just saying.
I don't take any offense to this stuff. I know who I am. I know what I like. I know where I stand in the grand scheme of things. I live by a very straightforward philosophy: don't like gay sex? don't have gay sex. Don't like gay marriage? Don't get gay married. Don't deny someone else of what you don't want for yourself.
We're all different, and that's a good thing.
- nah, people who take offense to this post can't be gay, for sure; they'd be like "hell yeah i'd suck some dick for an onion ring".

Come on man at least let me try girls first, what else am I supposed to do with this attraction to breasts

Fat guys like me.
- Nah man I already got those kind and they're not good enough, plus most fat guys don't have a very good figure
- If you're a big fat man, I'm a titty fan. And I'd love to see yours, too.
Find a guy with nipples on his ass and go ham

Could we swap to funions? Cold onion rings are gross and hot onion rings seem like a real problem (in context).

I believe there's a much broader spectrum as straight, gay, bi. I was never sure where I belong on this scala.

Like, I thought I was straight during my entire teens. Sometime in the early 2000s, I discovered the joys of online porn, and then found that the guys in porn sometimes seemed more interesting to me than they should. But having sex with a guy? No way. I thought.

So I spent my life, a below average looking guy, starved for sex for a long time, except the occasional awkward and underwhelming experience with humans of the female persuasion. Smoking a lot of weed to fill the internal void. One day, met a fellow weed smoker online. Lived nearby, gamer. Knew where to get good weed. After a couple of weeks we met. He told me he was gay. I was like, alright, sure. We played NHL Hockey and smoked a lot of weed. He asked me if he could suck my dick. Stoned as fuck, I said yes. Best blowjob I've ever had. But then, I ghosted him. Why? No idea. Couldn't face the fact that I might be bi? Not sure to this day.

In my late 30s, I got married. And turns out once we were married, my wife turned asexual. So now I'm stuck in a straight life with no joy and no sex, getting closer to 50 every day. Even had to quit smoking weed. Boy, do I regret ghosting that guy.

So to this day, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't turn down a gay guy if an opportunity arose, even though I lean more towards women. I'm just a guy leading a sad existence in the closet and this comment turned out to be a much gloomier confession than I intended it to be when I started typing. Sorry.

Do not apologize. That's quite the story you have.
If you're unhappy with where you are, who you are with, or who you are, you can always change. It's never too late and trust me, as a long term supporter of the LGBTQ+ movement (despite being very straight/cis), they are a very accepting group.
As an outsider, I can't tell you what, how, or when changes are going to work best for you, nor what changes you could, or should make. That's entirely your decision and it's a big one, and I'm sorry about that. I'm only saying that it's not too late to figure out who you are and how to be comfortable with your life.
All the best. Take care of yourself.
Seems like your sexuality is "sexual". You just want to have any action, but socially you have the chance for none.
- As much as it pains me to admit you're right, you appear to have hit the nail on the head.
As someone who realized they were ace after marriage: im sorry. it can be a real challenge.
Sucks that our society is structured to make marriage such a large gamble. While the asexual wife thing sucks, I hope you two can connect on other levels for a rich and fulfilling relationship (since it's not all about sex)
To your larger thesis - I agree. The labels we use - "straight", "gay", "bi" rarely match what people think of their own sexuality. Sometimes even when accurate we can chafe at such harsh categories. It's just more complex and nuanced then that. But society just loves it's labels.
What would you think of the term heteroflexible? It carries the idea that as a prince, you might have a harem exclusively of women, yet as a pauper 'any port in a storm' as the expression goes. Or it could mean that you prefer women, but a good blowjob is a good blowjob - regardless of the sex of the lips giving it.
It seems like being bi would be awesome if it werent for the jizz. Like, ew.

Apollo doesn’t show me post authors in my main feed but sometimes you just know a Stamets post.

What can I say... I am nothing if not homosexual

Another daily reminder that the straights, myself included, are not Ok.

As a straight, I agree with this.
Me personally, I'm ok, for the most part. I'm sure you are too ... But all of my fellow straights? Most of them are.... Well.... Very not ok.

Ahh I love that I knew exactly who'd posted this the moment I read it

Tell them they can get their own damn onion rings.

That sounds like it would chaff or cause some kind of reaction

the rings gotta be crispy to be good and that's gotta be uh ow.

I wish I could eat onion rings off myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

All three of them at the same time 😳?

Brb buying some onion rings

Lieber bi als nie.

My chemistry teacher allways said "ein bisschen bi schadet nie' and I am not sure if he was referring to bicarbonate
- Let's just hope they weren't propositioning you.

Is this Frank vom house party?

Hey straight man, some of you are fugly and think you're hot shit but in reality we want nothing to do with you or your stanky attitude. I can look around you and find three other gay men who properly wipe their ass anyway. And don't worry, the moment you went out of your way to identify as straight, I gagged a little. You're good, brosky.
- I'm sorry that you have a physical and painful response to other humans who prefer the opposite sex.
  That sounds like a horribly crippling disability.
  That or an uncalled for bigoted insult to others based on sexual preferences.
  You don't have to insult entire classes of people to make your point. Be a better person, and don't perpetuate hate just because you feel it's ok to attack people for being straight.
It's ok if you don't have onion rings, there's other food you can use, I've started luring Italian men in with spaghetti wrapped around my dick.
Why take this personally...? There are so many ways to perceive this:
Maybe the reader is bi
Maybe the reader would get a boost knowing someone would be into them, even if they're not into that kind of person
Maybe the reader just finds the image or concept hilarious
Like... why did you think this was targeting you?
Where does it say this guy, in a meme, that's a joke, in a shitpost, on the internet, is straight?
Why is this getting downvoted? Op's post is creepy and borderline sexually harassing. And the replies to your post are equally gross.