Bread

We have to lock ours in a safe because our cat's an asshole

We would like to see the evidence
Oh, you've got a carb nibbling goblin, too? If we accidentally forget to put away the bagels, the bread, the muffins, the cookies, the cake, the insert whatever carb treat here... We will inevitably wake up to find tiny holes chewed out of the bag or box and shredded crumbs everywhere, including stuck to the little asshole's fur.

Hate this diagram because who uses a bread box without any of the other non-chaotic evil options.

Chaotic neutral and lawful good is the GOAT

Drop the bread box and just gently squish the entire loaf before twisting and tucking to basically vacuum seal it. That's my GOAT
- This. For soft crumb American sandwich sliced bread, you want as little air circulation as possible, balanced only by not crushing the loaf. A bread box is a quaint place to toss the bread once you squish the air out, but without the bag it's basically the same as the chaotic evil option.

This image is fairly old, and I have disagreed with it from the get go. Chaotic evil is tying as many knots as possible, forcing one to cut the bag open.

After licking every slice.
Chaotic evil is leaving the bag wide open .... in the freezer ... behind the three bags of frozen fries ... for three weeks .... but it's the only bread you have at 11pm on a Saturday night and you don't feel like doing or getting anything else to make you sandwich.

what is the bottle hack?

You put the bread in a bottle and you can just put the cap on it to keep it fresh. You can just pour it into your toaster after that!
- 🎶please don't forget to close my bread that's in a bottle, yeah🎶
Cut the top off of a 2 liter bottle and put the bread bag through the neck, spread it around the neck, then put on the bottle cap.
- sounds like a lot of work when I can just leave the bag open
cut the neck off a plastic bottle
thread the end of the bag through
fold the bag open around the bottle neck
close the cap, trapping the bag between the bottle neck and the cap.
I’m sure it works but any other method of closing the bag from the top two rows are better imo, at least for bread.
Bottle the bread?
Idk

I do neutral evil because I haven't seen a reason to do anything else.

You’ve never ended up with stale or moldy bread? I’m envious.
- Bread is a stapleware, as such it needs to be eaten. Keeping the bag open for easier (tactical), time-critical access is a thus a necessity.
- Because of that? Not that I know of. From it being much past the best before date of course.
- I tried the rubber band. I tried the clip. Neither work.
  Only the fridge does. And that works well enough. I either tuck it, or I take it all out and keep it on a tray. Open. If I keep it for long enough to make it dehydrated, it's my fault.

the... the bottle hack is for things like popcorn kernels that you can pour...

whoever closes a bread with the bottle hack is the true evil hiding in plain sight

Does anyone still have a bread box? I assume it’s to stop rodents, but hopefully most people don’t have rodents in their house. Does a bread box do anything else, or is that another technology that can fade into history?

Edit: TIL;

https://www.tasteofhome.com/article/how-to-keep-bread-fresh/

I bought bread box once but every time we used it the bread wouldn’t last 3 days. Can anyone explain why that was?
I have a bread box...which I generally don't keep my bread in
I use one to protect my bread products from pets.
I have one! I love it, it's got a magnetic door my cat can't open is one of my best purchases ever. I use it for baked goods, though, not bread. It's too humid where I am to keep bread fresh at room temperature.
- Never thought of that - I usually put baked goods in the microwave to keep them sort of fresh. Is it big enough for a 9”x12” baking pan? Tall enough for a layer cake?

Jokes on you, de-aired, twisted, twist tied and tucked

Just like my balls.
When you say de-air, do you gently squish the whole loaf before twisting as well to effectively vacuum seal it?
- Yes

Chaotic neutral for me. The twist tie goes in my twist tie collection.

idk why anyone would choose anything but chaotic neutral
unless you own a breadbox
- Exactly! Everything else is just extra steps for the same result.

Here's a version for my fellow gluten-free peeps:

Funniest comment so far, you get a prize! An upvote.
- Thank you! I want to ::sniff:: thank my coach, the whole team ::sniff::, and especially my mom for helping make this happen! ::sniff:: Love you mom!

I put mine in the fridge. Why? It lasts longer.

That's actually false. Bread is one of the few items that turn bad quicker in the fridge than on the counter. https://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/shopping-storing/food/bread-storage
- I live in a hot, humid environment. Keeping bread in the fridge helps it to stay good for multiple weeks. If I leave it out, it molds way quicker. I also sometimes will store bread in the freezer to keep it fresh even longer if I know I'm just going to make toast out of it.
- Oh I don't mean homemade. I meant regular bread. I don't bake. I cook. But good to know!
- Yeah, good point, but that article isn't talking about what's in this picture.
  Store-bought sandwich bread usually can be kept in the fridge without much change in texture. That’s because it often contains additives and preservatives that keep it fresh longer.
Freezer is my preference. Stays good for very long and keeps the texture and freshness. Put it in toaster or microwave after if in a hurry, otherwise you can just put slices in the fridge so you have unfrozen ones for the breakfast.
I just never bake mine.

I use a bread box and still put the bread in its original bag with the original clip.

True lawful good. Bread box alone is chaotic evil disguised as lawful good.
Bread box doesn't preserve air retention or protect against anything smaller than a mouse (roaches, air borne nasties).

Where does “twist and pull back over the loaf” fall? Same as twist and tuck essentially?

Its really just the best method no need for some stupid ass bottle cap. But it seals it just as well.
Yeah, it's really just chaotic neutral but fancier.

I think in my entire life I've only ever seen one or maybe 2 bread boxes.

I have an old bread box; but I don't use it for bread.
- Did you know you can put your weed in there?

10th option: eat the entire loaf in one sitting.

I was thinking that this matrix is missing an accompanying time-chart but I don't know how to plot the y axis.

No slip knot?

A slipknot works great! It’s done in a second and easily undone as well.
I do the same. I don't understand why it puzzles some people. They look at me like I put a padlock on it and I have to undo it for them, which is just pulling the end...

I tie a slip knot. That is stupidly easy to do/undo, but apparently I am hated for it.

Slipknots are ok but I think you may as well do a mean twist and tuck unless the bread is travelling. The knot can go bad* if you share bread with others.
- Not sure I understand what you are saying. I do a real big twist and then a slip knot. The twist doesn't come undone. I am out of bread or I would take a picture.

I'm chaotic neutral!

Hair tie. I always have 1, or 2, or 3 in my pocket.

Chaotic neutral is the one true answer because it requires no secondary sealing device (clip, twist tie, rubber band, etc). It also allows you to open the bag with one hand.

Where's the "four slices per freezer bag and keep in the freezer" option? Or am I just too good for this chart?

Omg how much plastic do you go through?
- I imagine you could reuse those.
- When I buy frozen meat (maybe once every couple months) I unpackage, then repackage them into unfreezable portions with small plastic lunch bags/saran.
  If someone has a better way please let me know. I don't have infinite tupperware drawer space though.

Twist & Tuck gang

I had to switch to using a bread box because my dog would eat anything on the counter, and I didn't really have anywhere else to store my bread/bagels without really rearranging my limited cabinet space.

That dog was ravenous. She even ate a whole crab once, shell and all. I learned my lesson.

Lawful good and chaotic good is so much work for diminishing return. The best way to do it is to use back the tag so you know when to throw this bag of still good bread into the fridge.

I bounce between lawful neutral and chaotic neutral. Huh.

Yeah, largely depends on whether I've lost the clip in the 30s I had the bag open

Where is twisting then wrapping the bag back around the bread?

The way I see it, that is basically the same as a twist and tuck.

Neutral evil AND kinda lawful good, but using a second larger bag instead of a bread box.

Just put it in the freezer in the bag it comes in.

Most of this shit has been frozen before it reaches the supermarket anyway.

The amount of bread we wasted before moving our bread to the freezer was crazy. Most of our bread gets toasted anyway, but the microwave handles the rest.
Buy better bread!
- Takes me about 10 days to get through a loaf, depending on what we're eating.
  I don't know any type of better bread that would last that long outside of a freezer.

I'm lawful neutral until the clip breaks, which it always does, and then I go chaotic neutral.

Chaotic neutral and the bread goes in the freezer

Chaotic Neutral

Turns out I am Lawful Evil.

LG, back when I bought sliced bread, except for when the container was getting its occasional wash. In those cases CN or, more rarely, NE.

I switched to making better bread at home that could just chill on the counter as-is (cut side down) for days without issue. Then we figured out that part of my stomach issues are due to gluten (awaiting endoscopy for confirmation, but probably celiac based on an old DNA test that said I was likely, my dad officially getting it, and a host of symptoms that mostly went away when doing low-/no-carb diets).

I thought that said twist and fuck

Come on, come on, come on now baby...

Either lawful or chaotic neutral depending on whether I can find the clip again. But I doubt it matters since I store it in the freezer and heat the slices I need when I need them.

same here. or if it's down to the last couple slices, i just don't bother with the clip.

What if you use the bag clip, but then slash the side of the bag with a knife to show dominance?

I always suspected my children were chaotic evil. The bread was not the first indicator.

I was in the "tie a knot" camp for YEARS. Laziness just moved me into reusing the ~~bread~~ bag clip.

This is brilliant 🤩

I am neutral evil - a twist and tuck.

You mean chaotic neutral. Neutral evil is just tucking...

My cat learned to open the bread box and then chews a hole in the bag...

Y'all don't just throw the bag in the refrigerator?

It took me a few years to figure these are D&D related.

TIL
It too me ten years or so to figure these weren't only mud related. I had heard of D&D but I played a lot of muds in the early 90's. Also at one time or another I'm most of those above.
- What are muds?

None of this shit. Homemade uncooked unrisen or partially risen loaves in the freezer, cooked ones in cloth bread bags. If you don't suck ass at making bread it will always be eaten before it goes stale but its still toastable or usable for cooking. Or just adjust loaf size to match consumption rate. In my region anything in plastic will go moldy before you get halfway, especially purchased loaves.

bonus: secret ingredient for general purpose slicing loaf. 6 to 10 tbsp of chestnut honey. The honey itself smells kinda iffy and tastes aeird but baking it in bread gives it this amazing aroma. Toasting brings out the aroma again after it cools. Great for real bread ice cream sandwiches, especially toasted if you do it as a bowl.

My bread is in the fridge, for I am pod person.

I belong to true neutral. Go rubberband gang.

Isn't all of it evil, because they bought bread in a plastic bag? Use a paper bag. And if the bread gets hard, steam it, bake it, and its fresh again.

In grocery stores in many parts of the US at least, it is extremely hard not to find bread in plastic bags. Even the one of 3 near me that has its own bakery puts the bread in a plastic bag, and then in another bag that is paper with a plastic "window", and the paper part has a PE wax lining for god knows what reason.
- Well, you can always bring your own cotton bag...