In high school a female classmate asked me: "Do you masturbate?", and I answered "I don't need to answer you that." Well, I was actually uncomfortable by the fact that most people my age likely did, but I actually did not because I found masturbating disgusting. I thought they would think I was too odd for not masturbating lol
Little potato when it is born
Spreads its branches on the ground
Little girl when she sleeps
Puts her hand on her heart
I am tiny
The size of a button
I carry daddy in my pocket
And mommy in my heart
The pocket got a hole
And daddy fell on the ground
Mommy who is the dearest
Stayed in my heart
If your happiness comes first then it is because you are special.
I was going to write that, but left it out to not sound pretentious. Because I had no self love, I used to consider people who I loved special, but they ended up being incredible mean and detrimental to me. Even Christian Divine figures have disappointed me. So I learned the hard way the only special being to me should be myself.
I think you're sabotaging yourself. Get an entry position in software engineering (not necessarily code, see management positions for example as well) since you can work in many different domains.
When I found out my first love had been cheating on me for 2 months and began gaslighting me, guilt tripping me and gossiping lies, while I was just standing all that in silence. I was already going through very stressful situations as leader of 2 projects that were going downhill in work... I went manic/psychotic, and had a ton of panic attacks, went through disassociation and derealization a lot. I was able to save the projects tho. 1 month later I lost my best friend due to a stupid misunderstanding while manic/psychotic. I had major depression and generalized anxiety for 1 year. To this day I have trauma from all this.
I used to write Wikipedia articles and blog posts about music if that counts.