"i gotta work out -> I'll do it daily! -> oh no i missed one day -> might as well give up"
When in reality going once a week is better than not going at all. Going three times a week is difficult enough, especially when you have other responsibilities or hobbies.
I’m really convinced everyone in my life really sees me as a full time chore
I can all but guarantee you're the only one in your life who thinks that.
I know someone a little bit like that (thinking everyone is just being nice when they're actually annoyed) and it's steady work to make them feel loved.
We don't do that shit because we have to - we don't - we do it out of real love.
Suicidal thoughts aren't a scheme, you didn't chose to feel this way. Which means you're not an abuser for feeling them.
The rest if your paragraph goes a bit off the rails, not sure how literal you mean it though.
There's no Truman Show, no psyop, no great charade.
What people do in real life when they hate someone is they stop engaging. If any of your friends got tired of you you'd notice. They'd disappear from your circles.
Lastly, please take care of yourself.
You seem aware of your struggles, so if you are in a position able to seek help please do so. No, you're not wasting anyone's time, it's ltierally therapists job to figure out how to help people.
They chose this job, and they will do it as long as necessary.
I was out for ~6 months a while back. I put a schedule on my calendar, so every day had some structure. Get up at 8 or 9, breakfast, practice an instrument, game time, lunch, write applications, gym, dinner.
Did the same through the lockdowns and some structure really helps.
More like three weeks ago by that measurement