The only thing Vance bashes is his flaccid penis into the folds of the nearest couch that some idiot was stupid enough to allow him to be near unsupervised.
All these legitimately helpful fucking comments and no one’s pointing out that you can easily fix the problem by placing the smartphone in microwave and nuke it for a minute on high* to get your phone up to 80% charge.
*Charging times dependent on microwave power output and your zodiac sign. Lower wattages may result in tastier special brownies. If unsure, please consult your primary care phrenologist.
Some of that has been happening, to varying degrees, since about the dawn of humanity.