dingus @ dingus @lemmy.world

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2 yr. ago

Oh God...how can I possibly hope to think of every single permutation of conversation??? It sounds like I would be thinking about conversations indefinitely if I did that. Any tips???

No, I am not in the Midwest. I did have a therapist ask me once if I was neurodivergent and I said no. I don't think I fall in line with anything like autism or anything like that. I do struggle with human interaction but everything else about me seems pretty "neurotypical". Even in conversation, I actually am able to carry on normally and understand a lot of social cues, I think, as well as I have the ability for eye contact when I am not anxious. I struggle a bit with anxiety and told someone that I struggle sometimes to order food at places because of that. That person told me "that's weird because you seem totally normal" in a non sarcastic way. It made me feel good actually lol and like I'm very normal passing haha.

They just get upset with me if I do that unfortunately. I'm never supposed to talk to them about things when I make them upset.

Well yeah so I kind of wrote the post in a detached manner because I am trying to mechanically optimize conversation. Doing things organically doesn't work out for me even though my heart is in the right place and I just want to get along with people and for us to be happy.

I'm 30. People telling me that things will work out once you get to know people better do not at all understand that I have spent many many years doing this and yet I still fail horribly multiple times per week. I'm not some teen with a still developing brain. This is the way I am and I want to figure out how to improve and be more correct in my interactions. If it hasn't organically happened in 30 years, it's not going to organically happen now. So I need a different approach. Getting to know people and your heart being in the right place aren't the magic solution for me.

I have just never been skilled in that manner. So I would like to try to break it down into a more logical way where I could actually work on it. All too often I get frustrated that no one has written a guidebook on every facet of human interaction.

Yeah with coworker 1 I try to interact minimally with. It works out ok. So I mostly talk to coworkers 2 and 3 but I still tuck up with them all the time.

Nah, coworker 4 isn't anxious. She just wants us to work as quickly as possible so she can leave as quickly as possible. I don't talk to her much either tbh. It can be a bit frustrating when she sometimes gets upset when I am chatting with a different coworker (because she wants me to shut up and not talk to anyone at all).

I mean, forgive me for not explaining every detail of all of my coworkers lives in this thread. The post is already stupidly long and I was trying to get to the meat and potatoes of it for those that might be able to help.

I know some of them quite well and I am constantly learning new things about them. I can speak organically with most of them (except coworker 4), and often do so at length with coworkers 2 and 3. But my mistakes are still frequent enough and significant enough that it causes major problems. I am constantly learning what not do to, but there are seemingly infinite permutations of conversation and infinite ways things can and do go wrong, even when I find some of the patterns.

I had my bouts where I tried a lot of therapy. Therapists weren't overly helpful to me but were good at quickly draining my bank account. Many of them would say "oh there's nothing wrong if you do XYZ in a social context" and I would try to explain why it is wrong, similar to how I've demonstrated to you guys.

No, I fuck up even in small talk. For example, we were talking about supplements and exercising one day.

Coworker 2: Yeah, running a 10 minute mile is easy. Anyone can do it.

Me (a slow runner): What??? Idk dude that is kind of hard for me.

Coworker 2: Well for some people walking is healthier than running!

Me: What??? Ok sure, Coworker 2

Coworker 2: (angrily shuts down and refuses to say anything else to me for several hours even after I apologize)

Coworker 2 being angry with me was one thing. But I felt bad because coworker 3 was also chatting and it meant that they no longer got to speak either because coworker 2 was so mad.

Small talk with coworker 1 doesn't work at all because they will randomly randomly act condescending to you when you make a joke or say something that doesn't land exactly with them. It's a bit demoralizing so I try to interact with coworker 1 the least.

I don't outright tell coworkers 1 and 2 that I am anxious. But I will sometimes obsess over certain work things that I am anxious about and they get wise to it and get upset with me...even if what I am specifically doing to them is apologizing for acting weird because I was simply anxious.

I had considered coworker 3 to be my friend a bit tbh. But that is not supposed to be the case, right? We are not supposed to be friends or anything. I am supposed to find friends elsewhere and not think of them that way, right?

If people want to discuss serious topics with me then I'm just not supposed to contribute, right??

I don't. Honestly no one should respect me.

Wut

Personally, I attached a lawnmower to the front of my murder machine so I can more easily shred my victims. Would recommend.

I'm not sure why any of this is somehow a red flag. Your partner is going to be dating you, not your family.

Maybe my experience isn't the norm, but I find that a significant portion of people I meet have fucked up families.

Yes, people often ask about families when meeting each other, but it's perfectly fine and common enough ime to say that you aren't close with/don't have a good relationship with one or multiple family members.

My advice would be to keep it brief and somewhat vague at first...just stating what I said above should be sufficient enough. You're getting to know each other, but you're not there to learn every single intimate detail about every moment of someone's life. Don't go into a long tirade or story about anything at first. Over time, you will get to know each other and can slowly talk about more bits and pieces with time.

Thank you for your kind words. One of my siblings did end up going no contact with my father, actually. I don't really agree with the particular way he went about it (long story), but I more than support the outcome tbh.

Honestly, I feel like there was an opportunity I had during the divorce where it would have made sense for me to go no contact with him. But he was very good at trying to make me feel bad for him at the time (I mean, we are all only human after all), and he even went and unprompted bought me a fucking car. I actually was going to refuse it, but was convinced otherwise. Through the years I've found that the interactions between my father and I can be mutually beneficial in their own ways, though I feel bad at times because I view what he did as unforgivable honestly.

We moved across the country from him and it has been nice that way for several years...I only see him a couple times per year. The frustrating part is he plans to move to my part of the country when he retires next year. I've repeatedly tried to reiterate to him that I am not going to suddenly see him every week because he moves here, but he doesn't seem to get the message. Honestly I'm at a loss as to what to do when that eventually occurs. Part of me kind of wishes he'll die before then so I won't have to worry about it.

Anyway, I know you didn't ask for that, but I appreciate the time you've taken and the words you've spent.

Truly a shitpost

Found it in the wild? Why does it look like AI? Is there some sort of funky post processing happening?

I mean, here's another thought...

A lot of animals in the wild stink. Seriously. Check out a farm or a zoo. It's quite possible that people just used to generally smell bad before the modern age.

But I guess a positive to this is, you know how you get used to a smell if you're around it all the time? Like say you eat McDonald's in your car on a long car journey. Nothing is out of the ordinary smell wise to you. But then you get to your destination and leave your car for a few days. You come back and notice it smells like shitty old McDonald's because you had been away from it for a bit. What I'm getting at is if we were around stinky people all day we maybe weren't bothered by it as much because you can go "nose blind" to that sort of thing after being exposed to it often.

It's interesting how many people don't realize this. We were having a casual discussion one day and one of the smartest people I know, who has been educated in a lot of science, didn't realize that neutral or even outright negative traits can occur and persist in evolution. Evolution doesn't create a perfect being. It's just creates those that can survive long enough to reproduce better than those that can't do it as well.

Is that an obvious plant logo lol

No one knows. It's a diagnosis of exclusion. It's a lot more common in infants (although still relatively uncommon), and significantly less common in kids. There are some types of conditions that you can't really tell at autopsy though. So if the heart suddenly starts beating out of whack or if someone had a seizure, there is not necessarily going to be evidence of that for you to know what happened, unfortunately.

What the fuck. I mean, it's terrible already but to have the fucking balls to just do that out in the open???? The fuck??

Possibly was listening to my sweet mom crying and softly begging my dad to stop raping her in the other room. I was in denial about it tbh. He was a verbally abusive man, but I never knew that it extended to anything physical. He was not shy about screaming at her in front of us kids, so I honesty didn't think I was correctly interpreting what I was hearing at the time. Both my patients were very quiet during this event. So I'm not sure how often it happened. I didn't help my mom or anything at the time like an asshole...I just wasn't sure what really happened.

It was only many years later when I stumbled across some PDF files of divorce paperwork where she stated that he would rape her. She chose much softer language in the paperwork, carefully avoiding the "r-word", but I knew she wasn't lying because of what I remembered. She did say that he often wasn't very physically "successful" at it, which I guess is a bit more comforting? Anyway, this absolutely and totally enraged me. I fantasized about ways I would torture this man. But alas I never did anything of use and continue to allow this man to speak to me and spend time with me. I'm an asshole for it, really.

Much less significant, but there was also a time where my brother repeatedly tried to record videos of me naked and didn't stop even after he got caught. That was such an intense violation of my privacy and permanently changed the way I feel about him and view him tbh. We have an ok relationship now, but I'll never forget it.