blarghly @ blarghly @lemmy.world

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4 mo. ago

Imo, more childish to deny people's basic needs and desires. They aren't that complicated.

Go outside and exercise as much as possible, while consuming sufficient water and electrolytes. Your body and mind adapt to the conditions you put them in.

Most people avoid the discomfort of adapting to changing temperatures as the seasons change. But if you just go for a walk outside on your lunch break and ride a bicycle around after work or something, you'll find you are much more tolerant of the ambient temperature.

Okay, you are seriously terminally online. "Let's grab a drink" is a classic first date. I can go to literally dozens of bars tonight and see tons of people out on first dates over a reasonable amount of alcohol. Like, Jesus fucking Christ you're off the deep end if you think this constitutes creepy behavior.

Sorry, I should have also added: don't be autistic.

Yeah, have other conversations. Meet people. Have a good time at a party. And then when you see someone hot, say hi and flirt with them, and then go by vibe and see if they wanna jump in the sack with you.

You said "no alcohol or drugs". You're aware that a shit ton of relationships start in bars, clubs, house parties, music festivals, etc? You just explicitly excluded one of the most common scenarios where people do their mating dances.

Simple. What do young men care about? Getting laid and getting paid. Promise them that, and you'll get their votes.

You'll need to use coded language, of course. But using coded language is politicians' whole job.

1. Erect such high standards of moral purity that you cannot possibly win elections.
2. Lose elections.
3. Complain about how those in power never make anything better.
4. Maintain your sense of moral superiority, since if you never have power, you can never fuck up.

Because the definition of counterculture is "against the mainstream".

The liberal viewpoint has been the mainstream for probably 50 years now. There's a reason there's a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off". Because there are Nazi punks. Who exist because not being racist is mainstream, and you can therefore rebel against it.

Liberal politicians do it because it's been pushed by the left. It's how they keep leftists voting more centrally. They take left wing ideas, then water them down enough to appeal for centrist voters. Centrists find common sense ideas appealing, while those on the left get a dog whistle.

You're making an excellent point here. I'll bring it up at the next Council of Men that we should stop oppressing women. Good thing we figured that out - top notch work!

Ok.

Have fun losing.

I don't think you understand how politics works in a democracy.

I'm ethically non-monogamous and am currently sleeping with multiple different women with their very enthusiastic consent. The fact that I understand and can speak frankly and honestly about my sexuality - as well as anything else on my mind - is a turn on for them because it means that they can understand how I'm feeling and appreciate that I am relating to them authentically.

They don't feel dehumanized by the fact that I think they are hot. They feel sexy and appreciated. And they understand that having sexual urges towards someone doesn't mean they can't also be human. Really, being sexually attracted to others and wanting others to be sexually attracted to you is one of the fundamental experiences of being human.

There is a stereotypical male sexuality which is based primarily around physical appearance. And there is a stereotypical female sexuality based around personality. These are not strictly limited to one gender or another, but the stereotypes exist for a reason - because the correspond with broad demographic trends. I have a stereotypically male sexuality. I understand and accept that the women I sleep with have a different sexuality in some ways. So I try to understand what they want, and give it to them, because I like seeing them happy. And they try to understand what I want and give it to me, because they like seeing me happy. We are different in some ways and similar in others, and that's part of what makes spending time with each other fun. So no, I'm not going to apologize or feel bad about my sexuality.

I don't think of women as objects to fuck, because the feeling of horniness is an emotion which emerges before rational thought. Rational thought is plastered over our emotions post-hoc. That's how the brain works.

And what I described is how my sexuality works. If that offends you, well... That's your problem. I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't choose and can't change. And if we're going to have a discussion about how dating works, then I'm not going to lie.

No, you aren’t pretty normal to think of everyone as “someone to fuck”

Then why do all dating sites put pictures front and center?

and instead of saying “hey want to throw hoops together” to a woman too, you would say “want to fuck”. That’s asocial behavior.

Asocial is when you don't socialize. Asocial behavior would be not talking to anyone. What you are thinking of is antisocial behavior - behavior which violates social norms. And that's my point. There are social norms around asking women to have sex which don't exist around basketball or asking men to have sex, because men and women are different.

And no, it doesn’t matter that women and men have differences.

So you would tell a man to make a dick pic his lead photo on Tinder? Because that's what they do on Grindr.

So yeah, drop this toxic line of thinking first.

Toxic thinking is denying reality and trying to invalidate someone else's sexuality because it contradicts your political views.

Gotta say, this looks like a recipe for hamstringing yourself. Be confident. Be respectful. Accept that you'll get rejected, sometimes harshly, and that you just have to get back out and try again.

Like, seriously, you shouldnt introduce yourself to a woman at a party who is having a drink? I know we're on Lemmy, but that's still a pretty autistic take on human social interactions.

Here is the hard truth to understand. You have phobias. Phobias are, by definition, debilitating - they are a maladaptive mental response which makes it difficult or impossible for you to live a normal life and function as normal people function.

Let's say a woman goes on a dating app made by a wizard. On this dating app, she can choose to match with one of two identical guys - they are equally handsome, charming, and intelligent, and she knows this with complete certainty. Because wizard. The only difference is that one guy is missing all his arms and legs, and the other has fully functioning arms and legs. Who do you think she is going to pick? What if one guy has a crippling gambling addiction and the other doesn't? What if one has intermittent bouts of schizophrenia and the other doesn't? And what if one has agoraphobia and enochlophobia and the other doesn't? Because this is essentially the choice women are faced with every day - they can open a dating app and swipe through guys, swiping left on guys with any obvious shortcomings while being quite certain that they will not run out of options for guys without these obvious issues who will match with them. Their problem is sorting through average guys to find an awesome guy while also not getting kidnapped and sold into the sex trade. Your problem is that your phobias make you a below average guy who is not even on the table for consideration.

Even women who are agoraphobic or enochlophobic will be largely uninterested in you, because there are plenty of guys who do not have those problems who are willing to say "don't worry babe, I'll go get the groceries if the store is too crowded right now." Women like tall men with strong jawlines, but more than that they care about personality. Confidence. Social acuity. Leadership ability. You know what's really fucking hot? The guy who organizes pickup frisbee in the park. The guy who starts dancing at the concert before everyone else, and gets everyone else dancing, too. The guy who comes up and introduces himself at a party like he's someone worth knowing. Your problem isn't that you can't introduce yourself confidently yet - your problem is that you aren't even at the party!

Dating is a numbers game. And you might, by sheer chance, find someone who is interested in you. But it's a slim chance - made slimmer by the fact that you actively avoid the best opportunities to meet a lot of people, ie, out in public where there are... a lot of people. There is no place you can go with a high concentration of women who are interested in people with your specific mental disabilities. The only good advice for you is to become a more appealing man. The only way to get better at the numbers game is to play more times or improve your odds. Self improvement improves your odds. Meeting more women means more chances to play.

So. Unequivocally. Your top, most important, number one priority for your dating life should be overcoming your phobias. Period. I am being blunt with you because you seem to have missed the point the other comments made. Phobias respond well to therapeutic treatments that we have. Go to therapy. Put the work in. If you run into other problems along the way, figure them out. Get to the point where you can live a normal life, have a few hobbies that you regularly participate in outside the house, and have a solid group of friends who you hang out with in real life. Then you are at the starting line for finding someone to date.

The best advice is “women are people too, not some mystical being from outer space”. They feel the same emotions, they get hungry, they get horny, they get anxious or shy too."

Honestly, this is terrible advice for guys who are having trouble with women.

I only have real experience being me, and interacting with other people, for knowledge of what "people" are.

Let's say I'm in the park shooting hoops alone. I see someone else walking around in the park, not looking busy or in a hurry. I could wave at them and say "hey, wanna shoot some hoops?"

When I see a woman I'm attracted to, I want to fuck her. Personality, interests, etc - those are all nice and all. Those are things that make me want to hang out with a girl, spend time with her, talk to her. But if she has big tits and a thin waist, my penis says "hey, we should fuck her", and say "what a great idea, Penis!"

So based on my own personal internal experience of being human, my experience interacting with other humans in other contexts, and your advice that "women are just people" - what I should do is see a woman in the park, wave at her, and say "hey, wanna fuck?"

However, based on every other piece of information I have about how to interact with women, I am led to believe that I should not do this. So if women are just people, but I shouldn't interact with them in a way which is very understandable to me, then that must mean that I am not a normal person. That there is something wrong with me.

Now, based on the fact that I've already written this much, and the sheer fact that I'm here on Lemmy, this is probably a valid assumption. But sexually, it is not. Sexually, I'm a pretty normal guy. Guys are mostly aroused by people's physical forms and want sex immediately, with emotional connection being lower on the list of immediate priorities. This is very obvious if you simply look at a gay man's Grindr, where many men set a picture of their asshole as their leading profile pic and allow other users to see their location down to the meter so they can fuck Right. Now.

The reality is, men and women are different. At this point the gender studies crowd usually jumps in and says something about "gender essentialism", or about how "everyone is different." Great, everyone is different. But there are some broad trends we can observe, and for the purposes of heteronormative dating, we can fairly easily divide the world into men, women, and other, where "other" are largely irrelevant to the discussion since - if we are giving advice to heterosexual men - either you don't want to fuck them, or they don't want to fuck you. So we talk about men and women, and how you as a man should interact with women so that they will want to fuck you.

In order for a guy to improve at being fuckable, he needs to understand that women are different than him. That they want and expect different things. And this is fine. Yeah, women are people. But they are also women, and if you want to date women, you need to treat women like women like to be treated when they date someone.

I'm sorry you had that experience. I had a similar, but different, experience. You keep referring to "they" who were giving you advice - who were these people and where did you meet them? It seems like this was a consistent group?

I eventually found some good advice, which boils down to:

1. Be honest. Be honest with people about who you are and what you are interested in. Some people might not like what you are offering. Some might even be offended. But this is all fine, as long as you are honest and respectful and talk to each woman with the assumption that the two of you are on the same team of figuring out if you are interested in each other.
2. Improve yourself. For most guys with dating issues, this includes things like going to therapy, building a healthy social life, being physically healthy, and generally being a happy person.
3. Talk to lots of women. People are different and want different things. In order to find the women who want what you have to offer, who are themselves offering what you want yourself, you need to talk to a lot of women.

Improving at these things is best accomplished from a place of a positive mindset, good mental health, and with a strong support system.

Like what exactly?

I like my coworkers. They're cool. I just went to acro yoga with one, and go bouldering with another. We show up, talk shit, and get the job done - sometimes it's a good time. Sometimes we get our asses kicked. But that builds camradrie, too.

I will say, this is blue collar stuff. When I worked as a software dev, I definitely didn't care about spending much time with my coworkers.

Moe is when you take your fetish/the type of girl you like, then draw an anime girl about it. But the girl is cute, not sexy, and fully clothed and doing normal, not sexy things. It is very weird. I do not understand this level of sexual repression. It feels like the online porn art equivalent of getting a human shaped pillow to hug while you sleep at night.