I've had the whole life flashing before your eyes thing.
The night I lost my virginity. Got high with this girl and watched a movie that was terrible and then we ended up hooking up and I'd put so much expectation into what sex was going to be like that when it actually came to it it just wasn't what I thought it would be.
Couldn't cum. So after doing everything I could possibly think of to do for about an hour I gave up and really shittily faked my orgasm and then I took the girl home.
Got back home and I blue balled myself so I took care of it and right after I came I had an epiphany. Being a kid and hyper sexualized I had messed around with my brother and sister, never going so far is actually having penetrative sex or anything but yeah. All of that shit flashed before my eyes and it hit me like a bolt of lightning out of the blue.
The stress was so much that every single bone in my rib cage right down my sternum cracked. It sounded like a gunshot had gone off. And it set my heart on fire with pain and misery and shame and guilt and an absolute detestation of my very existence that I that that I just I can't express it it's the only thing I understand in this universe to be "ineffable" is what I felt at that moment.
And I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse.
I spoke to my siblings after I had recuperated some and apologized for my wrongdoing in our childhood and for the most part we worked all of that out but God damn. Like, I was not mentally prepared to get drop kicked in the soul on the same night that I lost my virginity.
There were other things going on at that time too. I had been writing poetry and sometimes when I would write poetry I would feel like this flash of fiery warmth and it's like I would automatically know what the poem is going to be and it would flow out of me in this beautiful golden Rush.
I had books and books and books of poems I had written like this.
And I was attempting to write a poem when all of this happened and instead almost like I was possessed like it was automatic writing I wrote out all of my sins on several sheets of paper. My heart burned like someone had dropped an ember of burning hot coal on it as all of my sins were ripped out of me against my will.
It left me so shook that in all of the years since then I have only been able to kind of sort of cry a single time.
It felt like being abandoned by God, or rather it felt like suddenly getting caught by him and immediately thrown into hell for 5 minutes, only to be dragged back out with the fires still licking my skin from the inside and then being left to think about what I had done.
I'm talking about the bad side of it but there was a good side too because it opened my eyes to how I was living and what I was doing and even though I'm still horribly imperfect and terrified of being imperfect but helpless to not be imperfect, I am not as bad as I was I think.
And there were other times too where that same golden warmth would come up to me in the middle of a conversation and I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I would know exactly what to say and in those moments where this would happen it's like pleasure and joy and fire would rise up out of my heart and reach out to the other person and touch them and in those moments I know the words that I have said have made a positive impact on someone else's life, but they weren't my words, they were the words of this fire and spirit inside of me.
All these years later that fire still burns. It never stops. It cannot be forgotten for me. And no matter how many times I explain it, people just generally do not believe that this actually happened to me. They think that it is a mental break or a bit of psychosis or some self delusion that I have put myself under to deal with the trauma of the incest and unfettered sexual promiscuity of my childhood.
And sometimes I'm afraid that that event was my soul leaving my body. And sometimes I'm afraid that it was the sudden inrush of the inhabitation of God that I had been searching for.
And as far as I know no one else has ever felt the way I feel. I can't find any literature on it. The closest I can relate to are those Christian iconographies of a heart with a crown on it and barbed wire and fire.
But you would think that if that was the inhabitation of God that the inclination to sin would have been driven away from me and yet I still sin just like everybody else.
So I don't know. I don't think I would recommend it to anyone else. Just wish I could meet someone who had been through that and knew what it was and could guide me.
I've been running it on my home media PC and it does the trick.
As far as getting to the point where you can sign in to run the atlas installer, I've had good luck with downloading a Windows ISO and burning it to a USB stick with Rufus with the setting in Rufus set to create a local admin account.
My solution for this is if you absolutely cannot bypass the connect Network to set up function, set up a hotspot on your phone. Let it download it's you know what 150 MB update and then turn off your Wi-Fi hotspot
What might be more useful would be to put it on in the background while you're falling asleep if you're in a situation where you can have noise while you're going to sleep
My opinion is they are placebo but placebo actually can have effects because you believe they have effects.
I think about it, if you've been listening to binaural beats in order to find love don't you think that you're going to be more likely to find love and therefore you're going to be looking for opportunities to validate your beliefs?
If you are listening to binaural beats to lose weight don't you think that there's a chance that you will intentionally and willfully act in ways that will increase the likelihood that you will lose weight?
And the best part about placebo is even if you know it's a placebo effect it does not prevent it from actually working because humans are cool and weird and funny like that.
I believe that the reason why so many people are going crazy in America at least is because they are approaching the end of their life and they have been told the whole time they've been alive that they would be living through the end of times, and if it becomes true then their lives have not been wasted but if it is not true or if it doesn't happen until after they die then their lives have been wasted and it's driving them crazy.
I wonder if there are bad drivers in Star trek, like you're just cruising along in your Galaxy class starship minding your own business and all of a sudden there's like some fucking romulan right behind you with a bird of prey highbeaming you because you're only doing warp 7 in a warp 5 zone.
You keep hailing them on subspace frequency telling them to go around, go around and they will not go around you no matter what.
What does a Starfleet captain do? There's only one correct answer and it's the same answer that I wish we could do it here on Earth which is to fire photon torpedoes, disable their life systems, board them, kill the survivors and rifle through their pockets.
But they won't let you do that in starfleet for some reason
I had the same experience with the two towers. I can't watch the movie of the two towers. And I can't make it more than 60 or 70 pages into the book before my brain gives up and says they've been walking through the fucking Hills and talking to the trees for 30 pages this is some bullshit.
Maybe I'm cutting myself short by not pushing through but I just literally cannot build up the energy it takes to push through this wall of infinite text.
Yeah I finished the first book and put it down and said fuck this shit.
I enjoyed the suspense of wanting to see what would happen but then I realized that the author is a sadist who only wants the readers to suffer and that was enough to end the entire series for me. I got roped into watching the first episode of the first season and I was like oh it's the entire first book in one hour fuck this shit and I've not watched anymore of it.
Remember, if you want to repeat this feat or replicate it you must first delve deeply into a topic that has no solution and learn every single thing you possibly can about it until your brain is simply unable to absorb or process any more information and then do LSD about it.
I've had the whole life flashing before your eyes thing.
The night I lost my virginity. Got high with this girl and watched a movie that was terrible and then we ended up hooking up and I'd put so much expectation into what sex was going to be like that when it actually came to it it just wasn't what I thought it would be.
Couldn't cum. So after doing everything I could possibly think of to do for about an hour I gave up and really shittily faked my orgasm and then I took the girl home.
Got back home and I blue balled myself so I took care of it and right after I came I had an epiphany. Being a kid and hyper sexualized I had messed around with my brother and sister, never going so far is actually having penetrative sex or anything but yeah. All of that shit flashed before my eyes and it hit me like a bolt of lightning out of the blue.
The stress was so much that every single bone in my rib cage right down my sternum cracked. It sounded like a gunshot had gone off. And it set my heart on fire with pain and misery and shame and guilt and an absolute detestation of my very existence that I that that I just I can't express it it's the only thing I understand in this universe to be "ineffable" is what I felt at that moment.
And I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse.
I spoke to my siblings after I had recuperated some and apologized for my wrongdoing in our childhood and for the most part we worked all of that out but God damn. Like, I was not mentally prepared to get drop kicked in the soul on the same night that I lost my virginity.
There were other things going on at that time too. I had been writing poetry and sometimes when I would write poetry I would feel like this flash of fiery warmth and it's like I would automatically know what the poem is going to be and it would flow out of me in this beautiful golden Rush.
I had books and books and books of poems I had written like this.
And I was attempting to write a poem when all of this happened and instead almost like I was possessed like it was automatic writing I wrote out all of my sins on several sheets of paper. My heart burned like someone had dropped an ember of burning hot coal on it as all of my sins were ripped out of me against my will.
It left me so shook that in all of the years since then I have only been able to kind of sort of cry a single time.
It felt like being abandoned by God, or rather it felt like suddenly getting caught by him and immediately thrown into hell for 5 minutes, only to be dragged back out with the fires still licking my skin from the inside and then being left to think about what I had done.
I'm talking about the bad side of it but there was a good side too because it opened my eyes to how I was living and what I was doing and even though I'm still horribly imperfect and terrified of being imperfect but helpless to not be imperfect, I am not as bad as I was I think.
And there were other times too where that same golden warmth would come up to me in the middle of a conversation and I would be talking to someone and all of a sudden I would know exactly what to say and in those moments where this would happen it's like pleasure and joy and fire would rise up out of my heart and reach out to the other person and touch them and in those moments I know the words that I have said have made a positive impact on someone else's life, but they weren't my words, they were the words of this fire and spirit inside of me.
All these years later that fire still burns. It never stops. It cannot be forgotten for me. And no matter how many times I explain it, people just generally do not believe that this actually happened to me. They think that it is a mental break or a bit of psychosis or some self delusion that I have put myself under to deal with the trauma of the incest and unfettered sexual promiscuity of my childhood.
And sometimes I'm afraid that that event was my soul leaving my body. And sometimes I'm afraid that it was the sudden inrush of the inhabitation of God that I had been searching for.
And as far as I know no one else has ever felt the way I feel. I can't find any literature on it. The closest I can relate to are those Christian iconographies of a heart with a crown on it and barbed wire and fire.
But you would think that if that was the inhabitation of God that the inclination to sin would have been driven away from me and yet I still sin just like everybody else.
So I don't know. I don't think I would recommend it to anyone else. Just wish I could meet someone who had been through that and knew what it was and could guide me.