altphoto @ altphoto @lemmy.today

Posts

19

Comments

869

Joined

3 mo. ago

My 3 year old has a college degree? Dang! No wonder I can't understand half the shit he says.

I've studied laws like that for the better part of 25 years and I've formulated this new law ointment I'd like to call Lawinment2.0! IRS available at Walmart for $17.75! And the shipping is free because its a download. Just pay as you normally would thru Walmart pay and then head on over to laws.com and receive your free gift! And if you pay thru laws.com to receive a free 5% offer on an additional law you'll also receive this custom deluxe gorme designer bag gift pin retainer. Its our way of saying thank you! And thank you George Carling for this fine comedy bit.

Some guys really like guys. Most guys I know love to listen to guys sing! These guys even try to dance like the guys dance! Its pretty acceptable these days. I like both the guys and the gals.

Hmm copper!

The state of Krypton! Yeah, say you're in Sacramento, just get on the 5 real quick... escape velocity quick. Look at the big dipper on your starboard facing shield and keep it on your reticle for 35 parsecs. Then it's just past the big 2354Kolonila poster planet. You won't miss it, it a really flat planet. Ask for Yorel, tell him you're friends with Kal. But you'll need one of several time machine types because krypton is gone these days.

But they love zoolander.

Hold on, my dental implants are glitching.

I think, therefore I add features.

You mean "buy nothing day"? Cuz that's my plan.

I'd feel a little better in my private jet. Can I have one too?

Three weeks is a long inspection.

Oh, that's just monster cock beach in California dudes!

The pandemic hit.

Hey how about a business where we go to Africa and get farm workers from there who also power our boats? Oh we have engines now? So we just go get Africans then? And we could get Chinese people to build our railroad system! What a great idea! Maybe we could teach some of these people to speak English and have them take care of our kids? I feel like I've heard of this before and it didn't go very well.

I literally just ate a huge burrito sold as "the space shuttle". How about Mr. Shuttle?

I guess it could be worse. You could be minding your own business selling ice cream Popsicles or something in the streets of India and next thing you know your evil twin opens a concentration camp for migrants or something.

That's totally my uber racist white twin brother. Except for the nose. And the face part. And the hair. Oh who am I kidding, that guy looks like me but with the contrast and brightness set to 100%. I'm disappointed at my white self. I always wished I would be a benevolent type of white politician twin guy. And clearly not. But I am way more handsome. OK who am I kidding, I didn't even shave today. At least I'm just a low level copycat and not evil Steven Colbert speaker. If I was Steven, I wouldn't even walk outside. That's how embarrassed I would be of looking like that guy.

Wait. Is the guy still in round shape? Or do I see an unexplainably quick weight loss? Or maybe the photographer is just that good. I mean he looks sorta fit? Oh man. I gotta do some searching to see if anyone else has noticed this.

Maybe they should plan to build a rocket to fly directly into the sun....for you know, scientific purposes. While they are busy discussion the color of one of the mid sections, Elon would already be halfway to the sun. Then we just stop the whole thing and move on to bigger and more beautiful bills. Good strategy right?

Ahhh! That's where I put it!