I don't know enough about the circumstances, but wasn't Conan doing his show, poorly, and without content, specifically to show that writers are needed.
I remember prying open whatever the specific PSP battery you had to use to make a Pandora's battery. Used my Dad's magnifying lense and a needle to sever the connection, and got custom firmware running. Such a cool feeling
It does sound like you're using it wrong. I've been using a $70 bidet attachment for 8+ years and it was the best decision I've made for personal hygiene.
Use toilet
Use bidet, making sure to adjust your position so the stream hits your o and the area immediately around it. Whatever poo may touch while going.
Use toilet paper to dry.
If you're spraying parts of your bum where poop doesn't even reach then you need to adjust the spray. I've used so much less toilet paper this way.
Were they in public forums and sites like stack overflow and GitHub where they wanted people to use and share their code?