Lost_My_Mind @ Lost_My_Mind @lemmy.world

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74

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5,528

Joined

1 yr. ago

Ok......PLEASE tell me you punched your little brother!!! How old was he?

Or! Or! Hear me out.....wait until he gets married, and then at the wedding tell a funny story about how when he met his wife, he was also dating a prostitute with HIV, and kept it up for 4 years behind his wifes back. Play it off like a funny story, how he used to bareback the prostitute for free at noon, and then go on a date that night with his future wife. And by now, the whole room should be pindrop akwardly silent. Then you say "Yeah, Kenny! That's for my PSP back in 2004, bitch!"

......doesn't even matter if his name is Kenny. By this point you should be HAMMERED.

Misread that as "minor factory".

Confused by the punchline, I thought the guy was just imagining himself getting thousands of women pregnant per day.

Not so much laughed at the joke, as I was confused by todays comedy.

Then I realized I'm an idiot, who can't read a screen as my phone bounces around from the bus hitting potholes.

guy becomes a serial killer, and sells human meat

"That guy's a legend!!!"

"Daddy, is it bad if I sing songs about the murderous man?"

"Honey, it would be bad if you DIDN'T sing songs about the murderous man!"

Here, I'll help with that. Let me lick your eyeballs.

Stop....stop it......stop struggling!!! Hold still!!! I'm JUST trying to pin you down and lick your eyeballs!!! NOTHING WEIRD!!!

Stop squirming!!!!

Ok, that's it. I'm getting the bondage bag. Handcuffs, and chains, and anal hooks, and toe spreaders. Yess, it's all needed. It's a complete set.

NOTHING WEIRD!!!

That's......oddly specific. Are you a time traveler trying to normalize your lifestyle in the future (our present) from a time period where it was normal for a very short period of time in a very specific region?

I mean......does your local butcher shop serve human meat?

You're probably not wrong.

Gee, I don't know, DominusOfMegadeus. Maybe deep down, you're afraid of any Apex Predator that lived through the KT Extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of cold-blooded fury with the bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

I assure you, alligators are PLENTY dangerous. Although their testicles ARE notoriously ticklish. Go ahead. Try it.

I read this while I was power walking to the bus stop. I read it as:

When I was four I loved pegging.

I had SO MANY questions. None of which I wanted answered.

Over a decade. I can remember him during the bush administration praising him.

You were water that YOU drank???

Oh......oh this is hurting my brain trying to work this out.

Animal.

You know, from The Muppet Show.

She's saying "Oh, hello. Welcome to my home. This is the foyer. Let me show you the kithen. We have a kitchen island, and you're going to love it."

Really wish that guy on the roof in PA had been harmful to trump.

Maybe it's Maybeline!

You shut your pretty little whore mouth! I loved Pitfall!

.......but also I was 4, and as we all know, kids are stupid.

Well you're a huge nerd!

.......that only raises MORE questions!!! Where the hell did you even FIND a Sears in 2025??? I thought they went out of business around the same time Toys R Us did. Like, 10 years ago.

No no. Don't just hang up. Tell us who it was so we can ALL avoid buying their products.