I don't think the Onion was originally meant to sound real though. It's just gotten that way because of how absurd our actual current events are.
Similar to how the "Weekend Update" segment on SNL used to be primarily joke headlines (with the exception of the OJ Simpson trial), but now they can literally make an entire segment using actual footage from a Trump rally.
Never personally had the pleasure of purchasing it, but I understand Tony's Chocolonely is often considered the go-to for affordable and ethically sourced chocolate. It's obviously still more expensive than what you'll find at the grocery store, but, you know, slavery.
Vote for whoever, but remember only one of the candidates is backed by the he richest person on the planet