BREAKING: IMPERIAL DEATH STAR OBLITERATES ALDERAAN, BILLIONS PRESUMED DEAD
By John Patriot, Fox News Galactic CorrespondentMay 5, 2025
IMPERIAL CENTER — In a show of overwhelming force that has sent shockwaves throughout the galaxy, the Galactic Empire's new battle station, dubbed the "Death Star," has completely destroyed the peaceful planet of Alderaan. Imperial sources confirm the planet was reduced to asteroids in a matter of seconds.
Emperor Palpatine defended the military action as "necessary to maintain peace and security" across the galaxy, citing intelligence reports claiming Alderaan had become a hotbed for Rebel Alliance sympathizers.
"This was not a decision taken lightly," said Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin in an exclusive interview. "But when faced with growing terrorist threats from the so-called Rebel Alliance, we had no choice but to demonstrate the consequences of treason against the legitimate government of the galaxy."
Republican senators praised the decisive action, with Senator Orrin Maul (R-Dathomir) calling it "a much-needed response to the weak policies of previous administrations that allowed rebel insurgency to fester."
Critics on the left have decried the destruction as "disproportionate" and "an unprecedented humanitarian disaster," but military experts note that the demonstration of the Death Star's capabilities may prevent future conflicts by deterring other systems from harboring rebel elements.
Imperial military strategist Admiral Firmus Piett explained, "Sometimes you need to make an example. The destruction of one planet could save countless lives by preventing a prolonged galactic civil war."
The Death Star, described as a moon-sized battle station with unprecedented firepower, represents the pinnacle of Imperial military technology. Sources close to the project say it was completed ahead of schedule and under budget, a testament to Imperial efficiency.
Princess Leia Organa, a suspected Rebel sympathizer and Alderaan's representative in the Imperial Senate, was reportedly detained hours before the incident on charges of espionage and treason. Imperial authorities have confirmed she is being held for questioning regarding stolen technical data.
Markets responded positively to the news, with Imperial Defense contractors seeing stocks surge by as much as 15%. Economic analysts predict a boom in reconstruction and security sectors as the Empire continues its campaign to restore order.
The Emperor is expected to address the galaxy tomorrow from the Imperial Palace, where he will likely outline next steps in the ongoing effort to secure peace and stability for law-abiding citizens throughout Imperial space.
Fox News will continue to provide updates on this developing story as more information becomes available.
Fake news. The Death Star, if it exists, is nowhere near Alderaan, which also doesn't exist, and we need nothing from it. Though it's cherished immensely.
Paying for anything and then being stopped from owning it should be illegal.
What the fuck am I buying software for if not to own it and have my privacy protected while using it?
Fuck EULA's and the companies trying to push the boundaries of acceptable behaviour 😤 just for a couple extra bucks selling our data to the highest bidder.
Well if we're weaponsmaxxing, we need more hard data on which vehicles are the deadliest so there's less chance of ruining people's lives by only maiming them.
I know what you're thinking, but the deadliest ones may not be the heaviest because grille/profile design will have some impact on the final rankings.
Most Canadians saw that Poilievre has the intention of trying Trump shit up here, and voted against it.
We voted for Carney because it was plain to see that he did not have his lips firmly affixed to Trump's sphincter.
The Liberal party won, and it was historically significant how badly Poilievre shot himself in the face by running against Trudeau instead of running against Trump. Trudeau wasn't a candidate, and Lil pp is fucktarded for thinking that we like Trumpism up here.
The Cons had to pull Lil pp's face from their ads because they realised how fucked they were with him as leader. They need to find another way to sell Trumpism and cronyism sans Poilievre if they want a shot at winning a general election in the next 20 years.
I hope.for the best outcome quickly for those involved. As a father, this would break my heart.