It's almost impossible to deny being an alcoholic without sounding like an alcoholic

Not so funny when it actually happens to you:

Because of really bad experiences with alcoholics as a child, I am afraid of people who drink. My psychologist and my doctor wrote that down.

When I became seriously ill and could no longer work in my old job, I had to retrain. To do this, you have to go to the German employment office and get an assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, including what your doctor and therapist have to say.

They read the paper from my doctor and my psychologist, but just skimmed over the words and decided that because the word "alcoholic" was there, I must be the alcoholic. They told me that I could get paid retraining and benefits, but only if I attended a therapy group for alcoholics once a week - me, who is afraid of alcoholics because of the abuse I suffered as a child. .... I immediately started crying and swore that I had no problem with alcohol, only with alcoholics!

It took 6 months to get someone at the job centre to actually read the papers word for word to find out that me saying "I'm not an alcoholic" was not me being an alcoholic in denial. I got a half-assed apology and my retraining 6 months after I could have started it because of this. Not to mention that every time I refused to go to AA meetings they threatened to take away my benefits and I was in such a bad mental state that I probably would have killed myself without the help of my family. Oh, and my family who tried to intervene were labelled as co-alcoholics, holding me back.

That is terrible and I am so sorry.
They do AA in Germany? I thought that pseudo science was just an American thing.
- Group therapy is pseudo-science?
My lord that is absolutely bonkers and I am so sorry for what you had to go through!

That is so fucked up. I hate the lack of self awareness the medical field has with regard to the impossible situations it puts some patients in.
same with autism (in a social sense not medical).

I don’t drink

Congrats, how many years are you sober?

"I have literally not had alcoholic beverages even once in my life, how would it be possible to become an alcoholic given that?"

You must be a hardcore alcoholic if you had to abstain for that long.

"My psychiatrist prefers to say that I have a 'substance use disorder' and cautions that the old 'alcoholism' model isn't very scientific."

It’s pretty easy, actually. I drink around twice a month. No one could credibly accuse me of alcoholism.

I am glad your recovery is going well

“I don’t have time for alcoholism—I’m too busy shooting heroin.”

At least your not a Morman

Only acoholics actually need to try to convince others that they aren't alcoholics. Nobody goes up to a person on the street to start aggressively asking if they have a drinking problem.

Any serious questions about how alcohol is affecting your life will quickly demonstrate whether it is is or isn't a problem, without you ever saying that you don't have a drinking problem.

I have a drink once a month (or sometimes not for a few months) and it makes me feel exhausted. We do a big party once a year and that's more than enough for me.

I really should reduce my consumption, I've always hang around people that tend to get wasted on a weekly basis. Getting tipsy is enjoyable, but more than that is just fucking stupid. I also find it hard to talk about stuff with them, or to do meaningful activities, they just want to drink a lot and act like dumbasses in night clubs. So boring. I should try and find new friends, but I feel like most people act like this, honestly. It's the same when I hang out with strangers. My hard limit is 3 drinks per night now.

Most people don't do this. You need to find friends somewhere other than bars and clubs.

I drink a lot less now that I have easy access to THC.

This goes for a lot of other bad things, too. "Just to get it out of the way, I am not a child molester".

To be clear, you're not a child molestor since you got access to THC right?

- Yeah I'm going to have to agree. I'm an alcoholic myself and this is a problematic way of living with it. Moderation seldom works for alcoholics as it is and by putting your choice to drink on someone else's offerings seems to just be a way to escape any blame should it end in full relapse.
  Everybody's journey is different though so I'm not going to judge. But at no point was I able to stop drinking until I straight stopped drinking. As they say "one drink is too much and a hundred isn't enough."
Can I try to gently press that a little?
I would feel awful if I found out I had been enabling someone’s alcoholism, especially if they only allowed it because they trusted me and I offered them drinks. I have ADHD and autism, so I understand making yourself hard and fast rules to avoid having to make your own self control (I’m not saying that’s definitely what you’re doing).
Could you perhaps try gradually increasing the rules one by one so that in the end there’s basically no scenario in which you drink? I’m talking: a trusted person offers it to you; it’s a weekend; it’s nice weather out; your whole house is clean; you’ve got extra cash; you ate healthy that day; you are already in a good mood; your beloved (hopefully incapable, for this situation) sports team has won; you talked to two relatives that day, etc. I’m not a therapist, but that works for me. The problem is when I mess up- my rules are great for keeping me out of trouble, but they make me spiral if/when I do break them. You might have to figure out a combination of zero tolerance for “mistakes” and allowing yourself to make actual mistakes without spiraling.
- .

It's because denial is part of being an alcoholic. The same goes with being called a liar.

Except when it's not. I so much hate this rhetoric. You know what? You can freely think that I am one, and I genuinely think I'm not. If you think that I am one, that's your problem, not mine. That's why OP's question is so hard to answer. Because everybody is just parroting this rhetoric.
And "you are clearly an alcoholic" comments in 3, 2, 1...
- You can freely think that I am one, and I genuinely think I'm not. If you think that I am one, that's your problem, not mine.
  I mean that's exactly the issue lol. You might not be an alcoholic, but if you were there's a solid chance you'd deny that fact.There is a good reason why parts of the 12 step program involve admitting and recognizing that there is a problem, and it's not limited to alcoholism but substance abuse in general.
  A lot of people who genuinely need help refuses to see or admit that they do.
Nuh uh!