Praise jeebus

TIL Jesus was only 4 and a half feet tall, and also red for some reason.

Crown of thorns...
- Those must've been some really long thorns if he need to be made that much shorter for his crown to fit within the allotted 6'.
Short king
- His body is short bread.

Maybe they just forgot which cave they left him in, couldn't find the right one later and then decided to commit to the resurrection thing rather than admitting that they lost him.

Is that what they mean when they say "have you found jeebus?"
I always say "how did you cunts lose him in the first place, he was nailed to a fucking plus-sign?"
- He was behind the couch this whole time.
- My Brother in Chrysler, that's a lowercase t
was jesus's first name Kilmar?

TIL that Jesus was 4ft tall.

People were a lot shorter back then
- And darker skinned

Yeah, but where's Sadam Hussein?

Happy zombie Jesus day!

Dude goes on a 3 day bender 2000 years ago so now I gotta hide chocolate eggs in my backyard and pretend a mutant diabetes inducing rabbit put them there.

you could just buy nose candy instead
remember Jesus was pro prostitute
- Kids: Dad, there's no Easter eggs outside.
  Me coked out of my mind: Sniffing erratically* REALLY THATS CRAZY DID YOU KNOW IN 1951 THE CIA LACED THE DRINKING WATER OF THE FRENCH TOWN OF POINT SAINT-ESPRIT WITH PSYCHEDELICS WHICH MADE THE RESIDENTS HALLUCINATE SHIT AND THEN BLAMED IT ON MOLDY BREAD!
Rabbit and chocolate are not even remotely biblical either. Church adopted that shit to appease pagan converts ages ago.
- In the original draft, Jesus was supposed to be an anthropomorphic chocolate throwing rabbit, but the writer was forced to change him to be human for marketing reasons.

Where the fuck is Saddam Hussein?

In a Schnitzelbrötchen in Erlangen apparently.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

He seems pretty short for a messiah

The short king of kings
- People thought that Dalton would be taller too.....

Ramen

So Jesus Christ is the English translation for Saddam Hussein? Interesting, also short king.

Jesus was tiny.

so being a made up pagan and growing up in a cult i don't quite understand christianity. is the reason easter was so late this year because jesus saw his shadow on mardi gras?

The First Council of Nicaea (325) established common Paschal observance by all Christians on the first Sunday after the first full moon on or after the vernal equinox.[18] Even if calculated on the basis of the Gregorian calendar, the date of that full moon sometimes differs from that of the astronomical first full moon after the March equinox.[19]
Easter, Wikipedia
They wanted "first Sunday of Spring" but defined using their calendar, but that calendar doesn't mesh perfectly with our calendar (and has leap months every few years), so converting to Gregorian makes it appear to move around.
We all wanted a 420 themed easter.
They just make shit up as they go and expect everyone to obey and call it the truth.
the first Sunday after the full Moon that occurs on or after the spring equinox.
Definition of arbitrary lol