Chose One Rule

Bring the pain!

No Pain No Grain

Left

Name: Sour Joe
Stats: DEX 5 - STR 3 - INT 10
Special Attack: Yeast Starter (Deals damage over time. If applied 5 times in 30 secs opponent takes explosive damage.)

Middle

Name: Gluten Gus
Stats: DEX 10 - STR 5 - INT 3
Special Attack: Bloat (This strike slows opponent down by 2% lasts for 10 secs, hits stack.)

Right

Name: LARRY DA LOAF
Stats: DEX 1 - STR 20 - INT 1
Special Attack: Pound Cake (Charge attack, at 50% does double damage and at 100% causes stun for 3 secs.)

Okay we need to make a bread-based fighting game now.
- Fear and Loafing

Guy on the right, look at his sheer confidence!

He's already won and he knows it.

Obvious choice here. Anyone with bread fighting experience knows size matters.

Clearly a spin-off of Bernt

Rock-hard (and indeed contains various rocks such as gravel), never goes stale, and is terribly sustaining. A traveller can go for miles, just knowing there's dwarf bread in their pack. A traveller can think of just about anything to eat rather than dwarf bread including their own foot and even pumpkins (see Witches Abroad).
Various forms of dwarf bread can be used as weapons, e.g. battle muffins and drop scones. Fine specimens of dwarf bread can be found in the Dwarf Bread Museum, Whirligig Alley, Ankh-Morpork, open to the public whenever volunteers have time (Feet of Clay).

None of those look remotely edible to me.

You aren't supposed to eat the loaves of bread, you're supposed to fight to the death with them 🥖
- Oh…. Chewing… ah… can… can I get another one? This one's…. gulp, a little worse for wear.
I bet their livers would be delicious with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
- Ah, the old Lemmy cannibaloo.
- Too much fat, or gluten. Depends if you got your liver from the front or the back row on that picture.

Far left appears to have that firm ass, welcome to San Francisco, crisp sourdough crust. Far right is some bread pan, Texas toast make’n, sponge crust.