Rotten tomatoes critics reviews of 1986's Transformers: The Movie demonstrates everything wrong with critic reviews.

I mean, "your kid will love it but you'll think it sucks" seems like a fair review of a movie who's primary audience is going to be children and the parents they got to drive them to the theater/rental store

They intentionally added a character saying "Oh shit!" purely to bump the rating up to PG, so like legally parents had to accompany their kids to see the toy commercial, so I think it's fair enough in this case.
By 2004 the children were the parents.
Hard disagree. I liken it to walking into a steak house and then complaining there is no vegetarian option. A critic isn't suppose to inform me of a movies clearly defined genre.
- If they're publishing reviews in a periodical that targets a vegetarian audience, it makes a ton of sense for them to point out which meat-heavy restaurants actually have decent vegetarian options and which don't.
  I don't have kids, so I don't really care if kids will like a movie. I want to know if I will like it. Reviews like this are useful for me. As a couple random examples off the top of my head, Zootopia and The Mitchells vs. the Machines are both movies I enjoyed that I would have dismissed as kids movies if it weren't for reviews saying that they're movies that adults will like too.
- More like informing people who are gonna get dragged into the steak restaurant by their aggressively Texan uncle who's declared war on his own arteries that this is gonna be the kind of asshole steak restaurant that rags on you over not also being carnivorous enough to make a Tyrannosaur blush

You're supposed to cultivate your critics, get to know them, and use them as barometers. Different critics have different perspectives, goals, and styles.

I think we can all agree that random critiques on the internet don't typically speak to you personally.

Does rotten tomatoes let you vote on critics so you know who you've liked in the past?
It does speak to one’s tolerance of other opinions…
I do not look to critics to tell me which obscure 80's cartoons I'm not going to like. I guess some people do. But if you were seeking out 80s cartoons and they told you this one was a miss then they did you wrong.

That movie came out when I was in like 3rd grade and I loved that shit! I watched it last year and I STILL love that shit!

I watched it last weekend and loved it just fine. Was 10 when it came out.
- It's a vibe

The scene in the junkyard with the Eric Idle Transformer and Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” is permanently etched in my brain.

Bah-weep-Graaaaagnah wheep ni ni bong!
- “Offer expires while you wait.”

I have nothing but contempt for this review!

Ya, but the soundtrack is something everyone can enjoy!

Anything with Dare to Be Stupid on it is worth listening to.

Considering the scantily clad Megan Fox, I don’t think children were the only audience being catered to.
- Wrong transformers

It's literally a commercial to sell toys (as well as all the other 80s toy shows). While I might love the film, it doesn't detract from that fact.

Right, but to judge it by any other standard is insanity!

I honestly can't figure out what you think is wrong with critic reviews based on this.

For example, one review writes, "really good and kind of underrated." Then proceeds to give it a 7/10.
One reviewer informs potential viewers that the movie intended for children isn't intented for adults.
One critic says, "The nostalgists and fanboys are welcome to this one." Then gives a 1/4. Which isn't really a review it's just him insulting the fan base.
One critic calls it a "90-minute television episode." When in fact it is a movie to complement a television series.
So, if this is all kosher with you then I guess you're just better then anyone who might appreciate the big swings and true to genre themes that this movie is all about.
- You gotta relax my man, reviews are subjective and scores don't matter. Nobody is going to rotten tomatoes to decide if they're going to watch Transformers 1986, they've already decided. Find some reviewers who align with your taste and follow their recommendations, that's why critics exist in the first place.
- So your problem with critic reviews is they don't hold your opinion about Transformers? I don't find any of the takes particularly vapid. They actually find the movie vapid.

way to crap on an 18 year-old animated movie because the animation hasn't aged well.

Their review of Spiderverse in 2037: -same verbiage

Oof, buddy. Try 38 year old movie.
- The review was penned in 2004

I think this is a you problem. Clearly other people find the reviews useful.